


This is For Real

by sunfair



Category: Best Song Ever - One Direction (Music Video), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, F/M, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Underage Drinking, always-a-girl!zayn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-23
Updated: 2013-09-23
Packaged: 2017-12-27 10:37:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/977761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunfair/pseuds/sunfair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High school senior Marcel Styles keeps a journal as an assignment for his English class, accidentally befriends a troubled Zayn Malik, and falls in love with her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is For Real

6th September 2013.

Hello this is the journal of Marcel Styles, created to fulfill the journal assignment for Ms. Hartford's Senior AP English class, third period. If this journal is found, kindly return it to me. If you can't find me, I work in the library during study hall fifth period, except for Fridays. (Fridays fifth period I will be doing other things. Probably calculus or other homework as needed.)

Today is the end of the first week of my senior year. Not too terrible actually. Everyone's pretty much in a good mood. I hope it stays that way.

I'm supposed to write here about my experience as a senior. I'm not exactly sure what to say so far. It doesn't really feel like very much has changed. It's kind of the same thing only everyone has a tan from their summer vacations now. I hope they got to go to exciting places far away from here.

9th September 2013.

I think except for calculus, last year my classes were harder. Which isn't a complaint because it's senior year and everyone's worried and stressed out about graduating and all of that, and I'm not, so good for me. I can't wait to graduate and get out. I'm just not sure I should have taken art as an elective. How do you know if you're getting it right? Sometimes I think I am, but then it all changes really fast. The internet can't even help me on this one.

17th September 2013.

Eleven days before I got shoved into the lockers, so that's a record. They didn't look familiar so I think they might be freshmen. Phone, glasses, fingers remain unbroken.

18th September 2013.

I thought of something to write about. I started running over the summer. Just on the treadmill in the basement, where my room is now that Gemma's off at college. (It's more private because I can come in and out through the garage and stuff. I even have my own bathroom.) I'm keeping a spreadsheet because I thought it would be neat to see how many miles I run total in my life, and how fast, and my average speed over time and everything. Today was my 64th run since I began, and I did 8.2 miles at 5.5mph.

20th September 2013.

Friday again. Something weird happened today. I think it was just because it was Friday and it's really hot outside still and that "wow" factor of being back in school has worn off big time. Anyway there was a bunch of gossiping and I guess some girls in our class had a big fight and now they aren't friends anymore. Or they’re not friends anymore with one girl. I'm just going by the bits and pieces that I happen to overhear. It's not really my business anyway I guess, but everyone in the library was talking nonstop today. I don't really understand why it's such a big deal but maybe I would if I knew the details?

Okay (hi, it's later now) I looked on Facebook and wow, wow, wow people are SO mean. Everyone! So much drama. It makes me so glad I don't have "friends" like that, I guess. I have Jason and Kyle but mostly we just talk about video games and comic books, not other people. Well okay, sometimes we talk about other people but who doesn't? I'd never say anything on Facebook like that though. I wouldn't say bad things about them even if we had a fight. You can be mad at someone and still not be mean to them, I think.

24th September 2013.

I'm supposed to be "authentic" here, and I've been told no one will ever read this closely, so here are some real authentic facts about me, Marcel Styles.  
\- I can hold my breath for a full minute. I practiced a long time to work up to this.  
\- I'm still choosing between two colleges and deciding what to do with your whole entire life is such a huge question, I don't know how anyone does it.  
\- Ever since last week's incident with the gossip and Facebook and all the mean stuff, Zayn Malik decided to sit in the back of the room in art class now, which is where I sit, which means she sits right next to me. It's still kind of a big table that we share and it's not like she talks to me or we even touch or anything, but I was already not doing so great with my sketching, and now my hands shake constantly.

She's really, really good at art, though. Probably the best in the whole school. Even her notebook has lots of art on it. She also draws on herself, like on her arms and hands and somehow it still looks really cool. She always looks really cool, I mean she IS really cool, and I guess that's why my hands shake like they do.

1st October 2013.

68th run, 9.0 miles at 5.5mph.

What a day I had. The freshmen were relentless in the hall today, and at some point I lost a button on my sweater vest, but that's not even the worst part. I went to art like usual and Zayn showed up like usual and then we had the first forty-five minutes of class to work on our sketches, which are due at the end of the week. But mine is done already (it's a bowl of fruit) so I was just looking at next week's reading for Chemistry when Zayn slid her chair back and put her feet right up on the table, her big black boots crossed at the ankle. And she took off her leather jacket too, and then put her sketch book on her lap and that's how she decided to spend the class working.

I swear I was just trying to look at her necklace, because it looked kind of like a coin, and I used to collect coins when I was younger, so I was curious. But I know she thought I was looking at her boobs because when I looked at her face again she had this kind of "WTF" expression. I wanted to crawl under the table and die. It's not that she doesn't have great boobs because I know she must (I mean, all available evidence indicates this to be true, though I suppose for me it's still technically a theory) but I never want to be that guy who rudely stares at someone's boobs like that without, like, permission. Sometimes you notice them because you can't not, like you can't not notice someone's hair or the color of their coat or whatever. So I was really worried that she was thinking awful things about me and I wanted to say something nice to let her know I'm not like that but it's like I forget what words are when I need to say important things, and then it's hard to make my mouth move.

Then a weird thing happened: she dropped her feet to the floor and she slid her chair over until she was right next to me, and I mean RIGHT next to me, peeking at my Chemistry book. Her hair smelled like mint and flowers and a little bit like cigarettes and I'm pretty sure her boobs were pushing against my arm. She said, "Did you think this was Chemistry, Marcel Styles?" and I was sort of frozen there for a moment because even though I'm pretty sure she was making fun of me, I felt like I probably deserved it after staring (but not really staring) at her boobs. Also she leaned against me a little more and then I knew her boobs were right there. But then Mrs. Powers our art teacher told the class to be quiet and Zayn moved her chair back and I had to sit on my hands to keep them from shaking so much.

So two things: One, Zayn totally knows my name. Two, my elbow has totally been to second base. (I know it doesn't really count.)

9th October 2013.

Not much time for running this week. I've had four exams and I have another one tomorrow so I'm studying all the time. I hate weeks like this because my stomach hurts nonstop and my mom worries because I take so much antacid.

Kyle's brother is having a party Saturday and Kyle said I could come but we have to stay in Kyle's room during the party, no exceptions. I'm not sure if I even want to go. Kyle's room always smells like bread, but in a weird way, like weird bread I guess. It's hard to explain. Kyle is my friend though and I don't want him to have to stay in his room alone during his brother's party. I will probably go.

We're doing this assignment in art class now with colored pencils. Mine is turning out so terrible. Mrs. Powers says the important thing is just to do art and not to worry about it but I swear it looks like a third grader did mine. Zayn's is really good though, it's really beautiful and abstract, like being inside a strange dream. She talks to me sometimes in class, and she always says my entire name, Marcel Styles, to get my attention. It makes my whole entire face hurt, trying not to smile. I'm being really careful not to stare at her necklaces and I tell her how awesome her shading is on her artwork but I get the feeling she thinks I'm lying, maybe.

13th October 2013.

I went to Kyle's brother's party. It was AWESOME. Well, the part I was there for. At the beginning it was just me and Kyle in Kyle's room and we were reading comic books while the party happened in the rest of the house. Kyle's brother is in college and Kyle's parents were gone so I kind of thought I wouldn't know most of the people anyhow, so it didn't bother me to stay in Kyle's room at first. But then it got later and we were really thirsty so we kind of made our way to the kitchen all stealth like ninjas so Kyle's brother wouldn't see us. Turns out half the school was at Kyle's house! And since everyone had been drinking for hours already, I think they forgot I hadn't been there all along or something. Most everyone was really friendly in fact, and super happy. I guess alcohol really is a social lubricant.

I still had to ride my bike home so when I found a clean red cup I only put some orange juice in it. I found a place to sit on the stairs and I was just watching the party when out of nowhere I saw Zayn. She was wearing this really cute dress with flowers on it and she had her leather jacket and her big boots on. She looked a little funny like she'd had a few already, so I got up and walked over to ask if she was okay. She said, “I’m fine, thank you very much, Marcel Styles” and poked me in the chest. Or at least I think that’s what she said. It was a little hard to understand her. She had a beer in her hand so I traded her for my juice because I figured she needed it more than I did. I was about to ask her if she had a way to get home when her friends called out for her like they were kind of annoyed, so she left with them.

Still. Best party I've ever been to.

17th October 2013.

72nd run, 9.5 miles at 5.5mph.

I went to the dentist this morning so I got to school late. No cavities though!!

Also, Zayn wasn't in art class today. I don’t think she came to school at all.

18th October 2013.

So here's the deal. Some days (okay most of them) I eat my lunch in the girls' bathroom on the third floor. It's only because it's quiet in there and usually no one is in there at all and Kyle and Jason have the other lunch period together so I end up sitting by myself which I don't mind as long as people leave me alone. But lunch is kind of a weird, primal time for freshman football players for some reason. I don't know what happens to those guys in the mornings but by lunch they're really wound up, like dogs that have been in crates too long. So after the first week of school I knew I had to stop going to the cafeteria. It's just better for everyone involved.

That's not what I want to write about. My point is that I'm in that girls' bathroom every day and usually no one comes in, or when someone does (which has only happened twice), I can generally just hide in the stall until they're gone. Totally foolproof plan. Peanut butter sandwich and my juice box and peace.

So today when I heard someone come in I did my usual thing where I hold on to my lunch and lift my feet up and wait. Except the girl who came in was crying, like, really hard. And she didn't go into a stall at all, she just kind of crumpled into the corner on the floor by the sinks and kept crying and crying.

I didn't really feel like finishing my sandwich after that, so I tried to be really quiet and lean over to look under the door and see if I could figure out what was wrong. Maybe someone was really hurt and needed a doctor or something. But as soon as I leaned over far enough, two things happened. First of all I saw, unmistakably, that the person sitting there crying their eyes out was Zayn. I would have recognized her boots anywhere. In my surprise at the first thing, the second thing happened, and that was I dropped my apple and it rolled out over the tile floor toward the sinks.

Zayn immediately stopped crying and demanded to know who was there, but her voice was all panicky and thin. She stood up and I stood up, trying to hold on to my half-eaten sandwich and the juice box and the paper bag, and I opened the door to the stall and she was standing right there.

Her face was all red and her makeup was kind of a mess and her eyes got really wide when she said, "what the fuck are you _doing_ in here, Marcel Styles?"

I swallowed really heavy because I was still kind of chewing a bite of my sandwich. I think I apologized first, for invading her privacy, but I'm not sure she heard me because she turned away and put her hands over her face and cried really hard again.

I asked her what happened and what was wrong and if she needed to go to the nurse, but I don't think she could answer. I just kept watching her shoulders tremble and thinking about how awful it is when your sadness literally shakes its way out of you, like an earthquake from the fault lines in your heart.

There was a trash can right there and so I put the rest of my lunch in it and then I put my hand on her shoulder, but carefully, in case that was the wrong thing to do. She turned around so fast I thought she was going to hit me, but instead she just held on to me so tightly, her arms all around my middle, squeezing and squeezing, her face pushed into my sweater vest.

It took a few minutes before she stopped crying. I didn't know what to do with my hands at first, so I slowly rested them on her back and kind of moved them up and down a little. Her long hair is really soft and wavy and I was careful not to pull at it. I think that was a good idea because she gradually got quieter and then all you could really hear was the soft swishy sound of my hands against her leather jacket. Except I'm pretty sure she could tell how fast my heart was going. Her face was right there.

I jumped a little when the bell rang, I was concentrating so hard on how my hands were moving. She pulled away and turned to the mirror and turned the water on, tying her long hair back to wash her face. My sweater was a total mess by then. She told me I should go before someone else came in and I knew she was right but I couldn't get my feet to move at first.

She didn't show up to art again and I spent the entire time watching the clock and the door but when I got to my locker after class there was a little note slipped in there on a torn-off piece of paper and it said, "Thanks, Marcel Styles." She didn't sign it but the letters were all artistic and decorated with stripes and dots and swirls and things. One dot looked a little bit like a heart shape but I'm sure I'm imagining it.

Two things: one, I'm not sure this makeup will come out of my sweater and I hope my mom doesn't ask why it's there. Two, Zayn knows where my locker is and she left me a note. I never expected that in a billion years.

23rd October 2013.

This week is homecoming so everyone is really excited about football. More than usual, I guess. Also there's the dance on Saturday and my mom, like every year, asked me if I thought I was going to go this time. I don't mind that she asks me but she does it in this weird way, like the time I was eight and she had to tell me my goldfish died. It's the same tone. I don't really like to dance and I don't really want to be at school if I don't have to be, and that's what I told her, so I don't understand why she's so emotional about it.

Anyway, a couple hours later before she went to bed she said we could go get pizza on Saturday night. I think she misses my sister. Gemma's really good at talking about everything. But I like pizza (doesn't everyone?) and I'll go with my mom and try to talk with her about things if it makes her feel better.

Zayn came to class every day so far this week. The moment when I first saw her and our eyes met my heart did a funny extra beat thing, like it remembered how she hugged me before I could even think of it. I guess I figured she might be upset still or regret leaving me the note or something. But she just smiled a little and sat down and I smiled back at her and it was like we didn't even need to say anything about it at all.

26th October 2013.

Whoa. HUGE day. Okay.

Went for pizza with mom. She was asking me about school and my college decision and stuff like that, as if I have any answers yet. Also Jason kept texting me to see if I wanted to hang out but to be honest I didn't really feel like it.

I guess I wasn't paying very much attention to things, because when we were getting ready to leave the restaurant and I was waiting by the front door while my mom was in the bathroom, I saw Zayn sitting at a table off to the side. I think she was supposed to be working and not sitting, but the only other person around was the bartender and he didn't seem to care. She had a red apron on over her black skirt, and a white button down shirt like all the other servers. She was drinking a glass of soda through a straw and drawing on a napkin, and one of her shoes had fallen off to the floor.

Even though my mom was due to show up again at any moment, I went over and tapped Zayn on the shoulder to say hi. She looked up and seemed surprised to see me but not entirely bad surprised. Like probably 55% good surprised, if I had to guess. Her eye makeup was all sparkly and she had dark red lipstick on. It was all over the end of her straw. She looked really good, though.

I said, "So you work here?" because that was just the first thing that came to mind. And she said "Guilty as charged." I looked down at her napkin and she was drawing a cartoon that kind of looked like a superhero with wings. But then she turned it over really quick and crumpled it up and tucked it in her apron. I almost apologized for peeking, but before I could say anything she said, "But I'm done at ten thirty if you want to pick me up."

I was 110% good surprised about that and I don't even remember what I tried to say, but I think it was some hybrid of "sure" and "okay" and when I looked over toward the door I saw my mom leaving. She was probably thinking I would be outside waiting by the car, so I had to go kind of quickly.

At home it took me a long time to work up the nerve to ask my mom to use the car (even though I never ask) and then when I did she said yes right away and wouldn't stop smiling about it. She didn't even ask where I was going, she just told me to be home by one and to be really careful and not to drink and all the other mom stuff she always tells me.

Zayn was smoking when I pulled up but she put her cigarette out before she got in the car. It was really weird that she was there and that I was there and that we were in the car together, like being on a roller coaster at the beginning, when it's climbing and climbing and you can’t tell when you’ll reach the top. Zayn was fidgeting, playing with the sun visor and opening the glove box and I offered to drive her home but she said she wanted to go "anywhere else but there" and asked if I knew of any place we could go.

I can't even explain why but I took her to the playground two blocks from my house. At night it's quiet and dark and it's a good place to think and pretend like the world is okay, which seemed like maybe a good idea for both of us right then. On the way over there she was quiet, but she took my phone out of the cup holder and started messing with it. When I asked her what she was doing she said “spying on you, obviously” but I could see that she was just sending a text message, and then a second later her own phone beeped. For some reason that just made me really happy.

We sat on the swings for a while talking about school and art class and she had a bottle of vodka in her purse and she started drinking from it. She offered me some and when I said no she didn't make a big deal out of it, which was a relief. But she kept drinking, kind of fast, and I didn't want to say anything if that was really what she wanted to do but I also wanted her to know she didn't need to.

Then I thought maybe she was bored with the swings so I suggested we move to the merry-go-round. The whole time while she was sitting on it and I was running and running to get it going, I felt like I was in a movie or maybe a dream that would be over soon. It took me a long time to stop running and just jump on, settling right beside her. When I did, Zayn let go of the bars and grabbed on to me instead, and I put my arms around her and closed my eyes and we spun around and around, and the roller coaster reached the top and plunged right over.

As the spinning slowed down, Zayn started to kiss me. I still had my eyes closed and everything was still a blur so I wasn't really expecting it and I kind of wish I'd had a little more warning, but I caught up quickly enough, I hope. She was really insistent at first, grabbing at my hair and my jacket and it was almost too much, but then it slowed down some and we fit together a lot better. She's a really, really good kisser, and the best part was how every time I paused to try to breathe she barely let me. Eventually I had to insist because I was afraid I was going to have an asthma attack even though it's been a couple of years since that happened.

When I stopped kissing her she got her vodka out again and after a really long drink, she moved away from the edge of the merry go round toward the middle and laid down on her back. I asked her if she wanted to spin around again and she said "not really". She sounded really tired or far away or something.

At some point her shoes had fallen off and her bare feet were right there by my leg so I reached over and tickled them. (Not bad, just a little.) She flinched and laughed and kicked at me, but not very hard. I stood up and held out my hand to help her up and told her I'd take her home then because she seemed tired and sleepy and maybe a little drunk, and I knew laying on the merry go round had to be uncomfortable and also she would need help finding her shoes.

She kind of grumbled about going and kept sitting down again and trying to pull at my hand and my arm and I really didn’t know what she wanted, so finally I let go and said, “What, what’s up?”

She sighed like she was frustrated and kicked at my shin with her bare foot but not very hard. Then she squeezed at my thigh and looked up at me and said, “Let’s just get it over with already.”

It honestly took me a moment to figure out what she meant and then my mind went totally blank. I mean we were just hanging out, I thought, and also we were on a playground and besides all of that, we’d only had like, half a conversation maybe total.

I guess I hoped maybe she was joking, so I tried to play it off like that and I took a half a step back while I tried to figure out what to say. Eventually she just said, “Fine then, forget it” and stood up but then when she tried to start walking, she tripped and scraped her knees on the gravel. After she fell down she just kind of stayed there until I carefully helped her up. I don’t know if she was embarrassed about falling or what but she leaned against me and didn’t say anything while I helped her to the car.

Because my mom is super diligent, I knew we had a first aid kit in the glove compartment. I had Zayn sit down in the passenger seat with the door open and I tried to clean up her scrapes a little bit, just with some antiseptic and bandages. I know it must have hurt because she was bleeding but she was just quiet the whole time. I also noticed then that she had these bruises on the insides of her thighs and I wondered how they got there but I didn’t feel like I could ask.

I don’t know if my bandaging helped much because we didn’t really say anything else until we pulled up at her house and I then told her I was sorry, for ruining her night and everything.

She shook her head and laughed a little but I didn’t know what was funny. She said, “Shut up, Marcel Styles. Just shut up, you didn’t ruin anything.”

I said okay, even though I was still confused, and I walked her to her door even though she said I didn’t have to. I didn’t know if I was supposed to kiss her again or what, and she was just standing there on the front step, facing me but not quite looking at me. So I leaned in and I kissed her quickly on the forehead and I told her goodnight.

Before I even got home she sent me a text that was just a heart and an x. I sent back four x’s and a smiley face. I hope I didn’t overdo it.

Two things. One, I'm really really REALLY happy she was my first kiss. Two, if we ever do have sex one day (which I know is not very likely, really) I hope it’s someplace way nicer and a lot more special than the merry go round on the playground. Maybe I’m stupid or old-fashioned for thinking it, but in my mind I’ve always thought the first time I have sex would be a romantic and private thing. Something I could remember forever and be glad about how it happened, and who it happened with. 

29th October 2013.

Approximate temporal statistical snapshot of my day:

4% running/eating/showering/etc.  
21% asleep  
67% thinking about Zayn  
8% asleep AND thinking about Zayn

She even came to the girls’ bathroom on Monday for the last fifteen minutes of lunch and ate half of my apple while she told me about a documentary she watched about meteors. Then in art class she drew a shooting star on the back of my right hand while we were supposed to be taking notes on the impressionism lecture. I hope there’s not a quiz because I took zero notes because I can’t write with my left hand.

I asked her what she was doing for Halloween and she said probably nothing even though she’s not working. I asked her if she liked scary movies and she said not really which was a good answer because neither do I. She said she likes other kinds of movies though and I said me too and now she’s coming over to watch movies with me on Thursday.

The best part is my mom is working nights this week and she won’t care if I have a friend over even though it’s a school night.

30th October 2013.

77th run, 6 miles at 5.8mph.

I cleaned my entire room and the whole basement and I gave myself a headache from all the bathroom cleaners. Everything looks pretty good though. My mom came downstairs as I was vacuuming and asked if I was feeling alright. I told her I was just getting ready for movie night and she seemed okay with that answer but she was also kind of sleepy at the time. It's not that I wouldn't tell her if she asked me who was coming over, but she didn't ask and I kind of just want to keep this to myself for a little while longer.

1st November 2013.

I'm pretty sure everything is over and it's all my fault.

I don't know how I'm even awake right now. I barely slept last night and I was a zombie in school today and Zayn didn't come to school at all. But I didn't expect she would, after the yelling and the storming out of my house at half past seven this morning. I sent her two texts and left her one voicemail and now I turned my phone off because I don't want to know that she's not talking to me anymore.

I don't even understand what happened.

She came over last night as planned and we hung out on the sofa and watched movies and ordered Chinese food (anything but pizza, she said) and I taught her how to use chopsticks and everything was great. She sat right beside me while we ate and stole the last bite of my egg roll and when I put the movies on she curled up against me and I had my arm around her. We watched Scott Pilgrim vs. The World first and then we watched The Princess Bride because she'd never seen it and it had been so long since I'd watched it that I'd forgotten some of it so we were laughing and quoting the funny parts and everything was good up until that point.

Then I realized actually how late it had gotten and the bus definitely wasn't running anymore and we had school today and so asked if she wanted me to call for a taxi. She kind of looked at me for a long time and then she said, "is it okay if I just crash here?" and I said, "what about your parents?" and she said they wouldn't care if she didn't come home and that they probably wouldn’t even notice.

I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of her staying over. I guess it never occurred to me that it could happen. Then all of a sudden it was happening and I didn’t know what it meant or what she was thinking. So I said, “You can have my room if you want, and I’ll stay on the sofa.” But she kind of shook her head a little and kept looking at me like she was waiting for something else to happen. Then she touched my arm, just lightly with her hand, and then squeezed my wrist and pulled me toward her.

I guess I’d spent most of the evening wanting to kiss her again, so when I did, I’m pretty sure I made some sort of embarrassing sound into her mouth. I was trying to stay calm and move a little to get a better angle and also trying to figure out in my head what I wanted to say, but all of those things are difficult to do when you’re in the middle of kissing someone you really like. Pretty much all I could think about was how her mouth moved against mine and how great it made me feel everywhere and how fast my heart was pounding from it.

When we paused finally, I was breathing kind of hard and it took me a moment to open my eyes. When I did, I saw Zayn starting to recline onto the sofa, stretching out on her back, still tugging at my arm to get me to follow her. I got really nervous again and I moved around until I was lying on top of her. My whole body shivered then, just being so close and pressed against her like that. I knew in the back of my mind I should sit up again and talk to her, because we hadn't done that at all and I know I'm new to this and I’m pretty sure she isn't, but I strongly feel it's a really important step you shouldn't skip.

I kissed her again and then I tucked my face against her neck and just stayed there for a moment while I tried to breathe and get my thoughts together. We were both still and I could feel how her heart was pounding, and then she put her lips close to my ear and she said “c’mon, just... come on” in this really low and quiet voice. I lifted up a little bit to look at her but she turned her head and closed her eyes and I knew then that something was wrong, but I didn’t understand what it was.

I don't know why I tried to kiss her one more time after that. It was a very confusing moment and I was trying to figure out what to say or how to ask her what was really going on in her head, and I also didn't know why she suddenly seemed so indifferent and far away, when she had been so silly and happy with me all evening. I guess I hoped maybe she was just nervous like I was, and I thought that if I kissed her all soft and careful one time, like reassuringly, maybe she'd smile and breathe again and everything would be a little better and then we could talk about it. So I did, I kissed her so slowly, just on the corner of her mouth, but she didn’t move at all, she just stayed really still and she still had her face turned to the side, and then I watched as she squeezed her eyes shut tight and her lip started to tremble.

It took me a moment to figure it out and then I whispered, “Are you crying? Why are you crying?” and I moved back really quickly because my stomach dropped so fast. Zayn shook her head and tried to hide her face in her hands but she actually was crying and I didn’t know what to do or say or what I’d done to upset her so badly. She started shaking and I didn't know if it was okay to touch her or not but it was like when she’d been upset in the bathroom and I all I wanted to do was help her. I said her name really quietly, like a question, and then she started to apologize like she’d done something wrong or something, and her voice was all choked with tears. I think that part hurt the most, like she felt like she owed me something, even an apology.

I said, “No, hey, what’s the matter?” but I don’t think she could tell me. So then because I didn’t have any other ideas at that point, I said, “Do you need a hug, maybe?”

She sat up kind of slowly and she was still trying to hide her face and wipe her tears away while she nodded. She was still shaking a little bit but she leaned toward me and I slid my arms around her but not too tightly in case she changed her mind about wanting to be held. She didn't, though. I held her there until she stopped shaking and her breathing got easier. 

After that I showed her where my room was, and I still offered to let her have the bed and I would sleep on the sofa but she asked me if I would stay with her. I told her I would, and I loaned her a t-shirt to sleep in, and I left to brush my teeth and stuff so she could change. When I came back into my room, she was already in bed, and when I got in she curled up against me and I held her closely until she fell asleep, breathing soft and steady against my shirt.

I was awake for a long time after that, just thinking about everything. The playground and the vodka and also what had just happened, just trying to figure it all out. I didn't come up with many answers, and at some point I must have fallen asleep too.

I woke up when my alarm went off, but Zayn slept through it. She kept sleeping even after I took a shower and got dressed so I went upstairs to the kitchen and I made her a cup of coffee, with lots of cream and two sugars the way she likes it, and also some pop tarts. I took everything to my room and she was awake then, or trying to be. She sat up and rubbed at her eyes and her hair was kind of big and going everywhere and to be honest she looked so, so pretty. When she smiled at me I'm pretty sure it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I sat down on the edge of the bed kind of facing her while she drank her coffee and she shared her pop tarts with me and I don't remember what we talked about but she seemed to be in a much better mood overall and even though we were supposed to leave shortly for school, I wanted to ask her why she had been so upset and how that had happened because it was still bothering me so much.

I was trying to figure out how to phrase what I wanted to say when she put her coffee aside and moved closer and kissed me. At first it was really sweet and she tasted like strawberry pop tarts and coffee and it made me feel better about everything. The thing about kissing Zayn is that it's so, so wonderful and amazing and when we're not kissing I think a lot about when we are kissing, so it's incredibly easy to just keep kissing her and forget in the moment that there was something I wanted to say.

I put my hand on her cheek while we kissed, just to touch her face and her hair and to try to be really gentle about it. But pretty quickly she attempted to climb completely into my lap which was a little awkward just because of how I was sitting and also because I wasn’t really expecting it. I was still so confused and afraid of doing something wrong and upsetting her again, so I tried to stand up kind of fast, and then we both almost fell over.

“What are you doing?” I asked her, and it probably came out way harsher than I wanted it to. I was really overwhelmed and I didn't mean to raise my voice. I wasn't angry at all; I was just scared and confused. But I was standing up and she was still sitting on the bed and she got really upset and got up and started yelling at me. I don't remember everything but I remember she said something about me being weird and I've never seen anyone get dressed so fast.

I didn't know what to say and I felt like I was going to be sick or cry or both. I wanted to say I was sorry and tell her not to go but all I managed to do was say her name once. She yelled "don't" really loudly and then she was gone.

I was late for school so I had to call my mom and tell her I overslept so she could call in for me. I should have just stayed home because this is the worst day I've ever had.

2nd November 2013.

Gemma called. I'm convinced that mom told her to because I've stayed in my room since after dinner last night. She called twice in a row and then sent a text that said _pick up you_ and then a donut emoji. So I did. I'm powerless against emojis.

We talked for three hours. I told her everything (well, pretty much everything, not every detail but the important ones) and after she listened to all of it she explained a lot of stuff to me that I guess I kind of knew but never really understood or thought very much about before. Stuff about how messed up it is, the double standards for girls and how boys can be and mostly are really terrible, and treat girls really terribly, because no one ever stops them. Everything she said made me think a lot, and I asked a lot of questions and she helped me understand a little better. Gemma is really smart and I'm really lucky to have her as a sister.

I still haven't heard from Zayn but after talking with Gemma I think it's a good idea to just give her some space. I'm sad about it but I'd rather be sad than make her more upset if she isn't ready to talk to me.

3rd November 2013.

78th run, 11 miles at 6.5mph.

My mom went to the movies with her friends tonight. She wasn't going to go but I told her she should. She works a lot and she should have more fun sometimes.

I was playing video games with the sound up really loud, so when Zayn called the first time I didn't hear it. The second time she called I noticed my phone light up out of the corner of my eye and I barely picked up before it went to voicemail.

I had to say hello a couple of times because she was just quiet at first. I could hear her breathing though, and other sounds, like a car driving by in the background.

I said, “Are you there?” and she said, “Yeah” and her voice was just so shaky and sad and broken. I had to ask her a couple of times where she was before she told me.

She was at the playground. I was just in sweatpants and a t-shirt and I hadn't done anything with my hair since I showered after running. I put my hoodie and my running shoes on though and I ran right over there as fast as I could.

Zayn was sitting on the swings with her arms folded and I sat down beside her and even though it wasn't too cold and she had a sweater on she was shivering pretty badly. I took my hoodie off and I put it around her shoulders. I don't know if it helped much but she flipped the hood up and tilted her head against the chain of the swing and turned her face a little until she could look at me.

She said, "your hair looks good like that" and I thought at first she was being mean but actually she was being sincere.

I said, "It's a wreck, it's all over the place" because, well, it is when I don't comb it down and back. It curls into a crazy mess.

"It looks good though," she said. And in the next breath she said, "Marcel Styles, I need to tell you something."

Then she told me a lot of things, actually. Things that happened to her in the past few weeks, and things that happened to her a long time ago when she was just a kid. Things that I will not write here because they're not mine to tell, they're hers, and I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone, ever. She thought after she told me these things that I wouldn't want her anymore. I told her I do want her, I want her so much, and that whenever she was ready I would still want her.

7th November 2013.

Outside of art class and lunch I haven't seen Zayn much this week, because she's been working or I've had tons of homework or both, but we text each other a lot and we're supposed to hang out on Sunday. I want to ask her if she's my girlfriend because that's what it seems like but we haven't talked about it or anything and I don't know if I should or if I should wait until she brings it up. I think I'll wait though.

The freshman football team are still terrible and mean but it bothers me less now than it ever has. I have more important things to think about.

College is one of them. My mom asked me about it again and I promised her I'd make a decision by Thanksgiving.

10th November 2013.

81st run, 9 miles at 6.2mph.

I hung out at Kyle's house Saturday night and Jason was there and they started asking me stuff about Zayn and I don't even know how they knew or found out I was hanging out with her because I never told them. I guess information just gets out there somehow. I think Kyle was mad at me because I didn't tell him before but I don't feel bad about that at all because it had nothing to do with him anyway and then he said a super shitty thing about Zayn that I'm still really pissed off about and I told him to fuck off and I left.

I got a text from Jason a couple of hours later saying that Kyle was just trying to be my friend and "look out" for me (whatever that means) and I sent him about six texts back explaining exactly why Kyle can still fuck off for the thing he said and why it was wrong and rude and a lot of what I said was the stuff I learned from talking to Gemma and I hope Jason was still at Kyle's and that Kyle read all of it.

Jason didn't reply so now I guess I have no friends. 

Zayn and I couldn't decide what we wanted to do today and it was raining anyhow so we sat on my sofa and ate ice cream cookie sandwiches and watched stupid videos on YouTube of cats and silly stuff like that. She has the greatest laugh in the entire world and when she laughs really hard she throws her head back and squeezes her eyes shut and it might be my favorite sound ever.

I asked her what she thought she would do after graduation and she said "move to LA cos it's the furthest away I can get" and I thought she was serious but she said she was joking. She said she didn't really know and didn't like thinking about the future very much. I told her she should just think about what she really likes to do and then do that, and she said eating Oreos and sleeping wasn't a job. I don't know why but her sarcasm makes me so happy.

We kissed for a little while, just sitting there on the sofa, all slow and soft and careful. I made sure to pause now and then, and ask if she was doing okay, and the first couple of times she nodded and grinned a little and then finally she said, "I'm good, Marcel Styles, I promise" and then she flash-quick licked the end of my nose and it was hilarious.

Two things. One: next time I have to come up with an awesome date idea, something really special. Two: I definitely thought about what it would be like to run away to LA with her after we graduate and I think this definitely means I'm in love.

12th November 2013.

I have basically two weeks to figure out what the next four years of my life is going to look like. I really am only deciding between two options but still, it’s scary. It has such a huge impact on me and my mom and everything. At dinner last night I almost told my mom about Zayn except we were just talking about the college thing and I didn’t want her to think I was avoiding it or that there was any correlation. 

Except I was texting with Zayn before I went to bed and maybe I keep asking her what she’s planning to do because I’m wondering what’s going to happen with us. Maybe it’s stupid to think about that right now but I do.

As if that isn’t enough to worry about, Jason came to talk to me in the library. He basically apologized for what happened at Kyle’s but he didn’t do it, Kyle did, so I guess Jason and I are okay. He did tell me that he overheard these girls in the hallway talking about Zayn and that they mentioned me but honestly gossip is so boring and I don’t care. Except when Jason asked me what the deal was with Zayn I didn’t know what to say because I have no idea what she thinks. We eat lunch together and we write notes in art class and she texts me when she’s bored at work and almost every night before we go to sleep, but maybe we’re just really good friends that kiss sometimes. Maybe that’s all she wants me to be.

Even if she did want to be my girlfriend, I know we wouldn’t be the kind of people who make a big display out of it and parade around with handholding and making out in front of our lockers. Neither of us are like that and I think that’s part of why we get along so well. We’d be really great celebrities who date secretly, is my point.

So I told Jason she’s my friend, which is what I know to be true.

18th November 2013.

84th run, 10 miles at 5.8mph

I had a really good day for a Monday except the minor incident in the hall on the way to the library where I ended up with Gatorade down the back of my pants. Which isn’t even creative because I started bringing extra clothes to school in like seventh grade, so it just made me late for fifth period.

By the end of the day though, seven members of the freshman football team had big black spray painted X’s on their lockers and I’m not saying I know who put them there but I know certain art students have access to certain art supplies and if hypothetically right after the final bell rang I got a text message with seven X’s I would have deleted it reluctantly and never told anyone at all. Hypothetically.

24th November 2013.

It’s been almost a month since the night of the merry-go-round and since then Zayn has kissed me more times than I can count. It’s really cool how there’s different kinds of kissing, like sometimes it’s just really cute and sweet and slow, and I spend a lot of time just looking at her eyes and her nose and her lips and memorizing all the details of her like the tiny dark freckle by her left ear. And sometimes it’s not so slow and it makes me really lightheaded and winded and my lips ache for hours afterward, but in the best way.

Sometimes when Zayn and I have been kissing for a while she does that thing where she kind of stops kissing me back and then she doesn’t want to talk. Most of the time then I’ll just hold her or we’ll do something else and it’s fine. Last night though when it happened it made her really angry and frustrated and she started shaking and I didn’t know what to do because I don’t think there’s anything I can do, except tell her it’ll be okay. We were in the car when it happened and she got out and smoked two cigarettes in a row and told me to wait inside while she did. I leaned against the steering wheel and I watched her pace back and forth and tried to think of something I could say or do to let her know that it’s not her fault and it doesn’t change how I feel about her and it never will.

1st December 2013.

88th run, 6 miles at 5.5mph.

Gem’s home for Thanksgiving and it’s been really great. We went to our Grandma’s house and ate tons of pie and turkey and played board games with our cousins and came home and stayed up late talking.

On Friday I hadn’t heard from Zayn all day even though I sent her a couple of texts but I thought maybe she was working or something. She called me just before midnight, which is weird because we don’t talk on the phone a lot in general but also because it was kind of late. She said she didn’t really have a reason for calling and she just wanted to hear my voice, and she sounded a little down, so I told her about my family’s epic Trivial Pursuit battle and a couple of other stories to try to cheer her up and I think she fell asleep on the phone.

I really wanted her to meet Gemma but Gemma had plans with her friends and Zayn worked all weekend so it didn’t happen. Gemma thinks I should tell mom about her and she’s probably right but there’s never a good time to just announce I have a friend who I kiss sometimes. I figure if I can’t even explain it to myself how can I possibly explain it to my mom?

I also decided on a plan for college. I picked the closer one for a lot of reasons including all my scholarships and I hope I made the right choice.

I miss Zayn because I haven’t seen her in four days. I can’t believe it’s only three and a half weeks until Christmas.

2nd December 2013.

Zayn was waiting at my locker when I got to school today. She's usually late to school and I'm almost always early so seeing her first thing was kind of weird, but in a good way. She has a big blonde streak in her hair now and she gave me a huge hug and we just stood there hugging for a long time even though people started looking at us. I wasn't sure what to do so I asked her how her weekend was and she said "pretty awful" and that she would tell me about it at lunch. I walked her to her first class and her shoulder kept brushing mine and I wanted to hold her hand maybe but I wasn't sure if I should.

We sort of unspokenly stopped meeting for lunch in the bathroom and we've been eating outside instead, which we're also not technically supposed to do. But the loading dock at the back of the school is right off the art wing, so the only teachers who really come in or out of there are the art teachers and they don't care unless Zayn is smoking but even then they just tell her to stop and leave us alone again. I think it's partly a thing where they realize we're seniors and sitting out there on the cement steps isn't really hurting anyone, and partly a thing where Zayn is so good at art that all the teachers love her a lot.

Except it turned really cold over the weekend and it's still too cold to just sit outside even for lunch so today we ended up in the art supply room. It's not the greatest lunch spot because it's more of a closet than a room and it smells kind of like chemicals and paint but it's better than being cold I guess. (Zayn doesn't usually bring her lunch anyhow. Most days she just steals part of mine and gets a diet cherry soda from the vending machine. I've been making two peanut butter sandwiches and bringing extra fruit for a few weeks now and mom thinks I'm having another growth spurt or something.)

Anyway for whatever reason there's a big blue beanbag in that room so we sat on it together and she leaned back against me and it was nice just to be like that for a little while, even if the chemicals made my head a little fuzzy. I asked her again about her weekend but she was sort of vague about why it sucked and changed the subject and got out a sharpie from her bag. She spent the rest of our lunch period drawing a bird on the inside of my forearm and told me about all the tattoos she still wants to get, and the ones she has already. I told her I wasn't sure if I ever wanted any tattoos but if I got one I would definitely have her draw it.

Later when she sat down by me in art class, she'd drawn a tiny version of the same bird on her hand, by her thumb.

6th December 2013.

So, whoa. My mom knows about Zayn now but from like, the most awkward way possible.

I was working on my homework last night and my mom had gone to bed early because she's working the super early shift this week when Zayn sent me a text and wanted to hang out. It was already a little late but not too late yet and so I took the car and picked her up from work. We went to this all night diner out by the expressway because she hadn't eaten dinner yet and we sat on the same side of the table and split an order of nachos and she was really talkative, just about school and work and everything. But then it did start to get late-late and we had school today so I told her I'd take her home.

She smoked a cigarette in the parking lot even though it was really cold by then and she only ever wears these dark purple fingerless gloves and her same leather jacket and no hat or scarf or anything. But I warmed the car up for her while I waited. When she got in, she asked me if she could just stay over at my house, and she went all fidgety again. I didn't want to tell her no but I also didn't want to tell her that my mom kind of doesn't know about her yet and besides, I'm not really supposed to have anyone stay over on school nights. I kind of hesitated and stammered a bit I guess because she got all quiet and still again. After I thought about it for a little bit I figured if we were just careful and stayed in my room, my mom would leave for work early anyway and it would be okay. Also I knew Zayn wouldn't even have asked if she didn't really need to, because she hates having to ask people for things. So when I told her it was cool as long as we were quiet and my mom didn't find out, she seemed really relieved.

After we got home Zayn went to sleep pretty much right away, and I was super tired too. Which probably explains why my mom had to come looking for her car keys at half past five this morning. (They were, for the record, still in the pocket of my coat, and not on the kitchen table where I should have left them.)

When my mom knocked and then opened my bedroom door I kind of sat up in a panic and that woke Zayn up too, and mom was saying something about the keys but then quickly scrambled to close the door again. There was a quiet pause and then she shouted at me through the door that she needed to speak to me upstairs. Now.

I was still half asleep and Zayn was not very coherent either and started apologizing and trying to get dressed. I went upstairs to meet my mom in the kitchen and she was pretty upset and used my first and middle name when she started talking which she hasn't done since I lied about my report card in third grade. She didn't even really say anything right then though, except that we would discuss the matter when she got home from work and also that she really needed the keys like ten minutes ago.

I felt so bad, about the keys and about keeping stuff from my mom and about making it awkward for Zayn. She looked really scared when I got back to my room after giving my mom her keys, and she had her coat and her shoes on and I told her I was really sorry and that she didn't have to go. She put her stuff down and I helped her out of her coat again and when I hugged her, her heart was beating so fast.

When I got home from school my mom was sitting in the front room waiting for me. She was way less frantic than she was this morning. I spent all day thinking about what I was going to say to her and how to explain everything without explaining EVERYTHING, but basically she just asked me a lot of awkward questions and she seemed more concerned than mad at me or anything.

Let me tell you though, it's probably the most embarrassing thing ever to have to explain to your mom that you're not actually having sex with the girl she accidentally saw in your bed. And THEN explaining to her that it's not because you don't WANT to, it's just that you're making extra sure it's the right time for everyone involved.

After all of that, she still handed me a box of condoms and I kind of wanted to crawl under the sofa. But she told me she trusted me and that actually made me feel a lot better. Also, she wants Zayn to come over for dinner so I guess that's happening on Sunday.

Two things. One, my mom might be super embarrassing sometimes but also she's kind of cool I guess, as moms go. Two, I definitely didn't tell her exactly how much time I spend thinking about having sex with Zayn but it's an awful lot, trust me.

8th December 2013.

91st run, 8 miles at 6.0mph.

Zayn came over for dinner and I was so nervous about it. I don't know what I was afraid would happen, but it was sort of like these two different realities of my life were merging together or something, and I didn't know how that would go. Also, along with Gemma, my mom and Zayn are probably the most important people in my life right now so I guess I was afraid they wouldn't like each other somehow and it would all go really terribly.

Which was a complete bunch of nonsense on my part because overall I think it went really well. Zayn was a couple of minutes late but she apologized about it and she called my mom "Mrs. Styles" until mom insisted that she call her "Anne". I could tell that Zayn was nervous because she kept biting her lip and fidgeting with the sleeves of her sweater and pushing her hair back and letting it fall again. She was also really quiet to begin with but I told my mom she probably would be so that my mom wouldn't take it personally. We had chicken and roasted potatoes and broccoli with cheese and my mom even made an apple pie for dessert and she gave Zayn extra ice cream.

When we were finished eating, Zayn went to use the bathroom and I was helping my mom with the dishes and out of nowhere she just gave me a really big hug. I hugged her back but I was also holding a dish of cheesy broccoli so it was a little bit awkward. I asked her if everything was okay and she said "yeah" in that really weird proud mom way so I guess all my worrying was kind of for nothing.

Then later Zayn and I watched a movie in the basement. Well, we started watching a movie anyway. We definitely stopped watching about halfway through because we got distracted.

(It's officially no longer a theory. Zayn has really, really amazing boobs. I mean I haven't seen them yet but they definitely feel really great.)

15th December 2013.

It's snowing!!!!!!!! Not enough for a snow day tomorrow but IT'S SNOWING!!!!

Gem's home from college now and she and mom and I went shopping yesterday and I bought presents for everyone except Zayn. I really don't know what to get her. I saw lots of things that I thought she might like but it's hard to tell what would be best. I really want it to be perfect. Then today we went and picked out a tree and brought it home to decorate it. I was texting with Zayn a lot all day and I guess mom kind of noticed and she told me to invite Zayn over if I wanted to. So I did and she got here like an hour later and so she finally got to meet Gemma. We were still putting decorations up and stuff and Zayn wanted to watch more than participate but she made herself a bracelet out of a little piece of silver tinsel.

Then we made grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup because that's what we always do on tree decorating night and we ate in the front room with all of the lights off but the Christmas lights on so everything was twinkly and sparkly. Zayn was kind of quiet but not in the way that's sad and scary; she just seemed kind of thoughtful. After dinner, Gemma went upstairs to her room and my mom went to take a bath so I asked Zayn if she wanted to help me wrap the presents I got for my family.

We went to the basement and I was trying to remember if the wrapping paper was in the storage closet or out in the garage when Zayn took my hand and pulled me toward the sofa and said, "come here a minute, Marcel Styles."

So I sat down and she sat on my lap facing me and I thought she wanted to kiss me but she just started fidgeting a little with the strings of my hoodie like she was studying them really closely or something. Her eyebrows were all serious, like the face she makes when she gets really contemplative or concentrates really hard on her art and I knew it was because she wanted to say something. I took her hands in mine and I kissed her knuckles and then I kissed her cheek and asked her what was up.

What she said was: "I know you think I'm not-- like. Girlfriend material." and I said, "What?!" because I was so surprised and I honestly had no idea where that came from. She hid her face against my shoulder and she said, "No, I get it, I get why, it just fucking sucks sometimes.” And I said, “What are you even talking about?” and I held her really close because for a really brief and awful moment I thought maybe she was breaking up with me. But instead she said, “I just really, really like you, Marcel Styles.”

I had to close my eyes then because everything was too much. It was one of those moments that’s so big when it’s happening that you just know you’re going to remember it for the rest of your life. Then I took a deep breath and I asked Zayn to look at me and when she did I told her how I spend all day every day hoping she would want me to be her boyfriend. She said, “God, Marcel Styles, of course I do” and I smiled really big and she smiled really big and I said “Really?” and she rolled her eyes and said, “Are you gonna ask me or not?”

So I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes and then we made out and cuddled and talked for a long time, until I had to take her home.

18th December 2013.

95th run, 10 miles at 6.2mph.

It’s the last week of school before Christmas break and I have so many exams and projects, but I feel pretty good about them overall. I’ve even been helping Zayn study some for her exams because she works so much she doesn’t really get much time to study at home. (I haven’t had physics since I was a freshman but it’s amazing what you can remember if you just review it a little bit.)

Zayn’s family doesn’t celebrate Christmas, and she doesn’t have to work that day, so I asked her what her plans were and if she wanted to come over to my house. She said she didn’t want to intrude on my family time but Christmas is literally the laziest day at my house, all we do after opening our presents is sit around in our pajamas and watch movies and eat all day. So she said she’d think about it but the way she grinned meant she probably will.

I figured out what I’m going to get her for Christmas. It’s a few things actually because I couldn’t decide. Hopefully she’ll like one of them.

1\. A hat and scarf because she’s always cold all the time. The ones I found are black and grey and really soft and warm. (Maybe I should have gotten the gloves too? I might go back and get the gloves.)  
2\. She has this pencil set that she uses for her art but the case she uses is all falling apart. The other day in class the zipper on it ripped and she dropped the pencils everywhere and cursed really loudly and the whole class laughed. I helped her pick them up of course and she used some duct tape to fix it but I had my mom take me to the art store and I found a really nice case. It’s purple and silver and when you open it up each of your pencils can go in a little elastic thing so you can see them all lined up and find the one you want really easily. I’m excited about this one because it wasn’t very much money but I’m hoping it’s something she’ll really use a lot.  
3\. I had Gemma help me with this one but I wanted to buy her something nice like a necklace or some kind of jewelry or something. But Zayn’s style is really different, like, she wears things I never see on anyone else. (I love that about her.) So I knew I couldn’t pick something boring and ordinary. I also have no idea what I’m doing with jewelry shopping. So Gemma looked online with me and I found this silver bracelet that kind of looks like a big feather. Gemma says it’s really cool and she thinks Zayn will like it so I hope so. I’m kind of nervous about this one and keeping my fingers crossed that it gets here in time.

26th December 2013.

It’s four in the morning and I should have gone to sleep hours ago but I couldn’t because of my present from Zayn and now I’m way too excited to sleep. I might never sleep again I don’t know.

Christmas was so great. Gemma and I got Mom an iPad and she really loves it. I got some clothes and some video games I wanted and a really nice coat, and also my mom is going to take me to a men’s store where I guess they measure you everywhere and then they make you a suit that fits you perfectly. I didn’t even consider that I might need something like that with going away to college but I guess I will.

So all of that was great and everything, and we ate breakfast and then I went to take a shower and when I got out of the shower Zayn had arrived already. She had her hair pulled back into a ponytail and she was wearing black-framed glasses and I had no idea she ever even wore glasses but she looked so, so good. I gave her a really long hug even though Gemma was standing right there and also my hair was still wet.

We hung out with my mom and Gem for awhile just drinking coffee (well, Zayn and Gemma and mom drank coffee, I had some juice) but I was super anxious to give Zayn her presents so eventually I took her back to the front room and we sat on the floor by the tree and I handed them to her.

She seemed super surprised that I got her stuff (like I wouldn’t) and that there was more than one thing to open and I told her to open the scarf and the hat and the gloves first. (I totally went back and got the gloves.) She said they were awesome and she put them on but then she had to take the gloves off again so she could open the other stuff. (She kept the hat and the scarf on though.)

She opened the bracelet next and I was really relieved that she liked it, too. Definitely have to remember to thank Gemma for that one. 

When she opened the art case (which really was my least thought-out gift, it just made sense and I didn’t think about it very much at all) she unzipped it and unfolded it carefully in her lap and she just sat there for a moment looking down at it and for a few seconds I thought maybe she didn’t like it because she wasn’t saying anything. I started to explain that I kept the receipt and that I was sure we could return it but she shushed me and when she looked up she was biting her lip like she does when she’s trying not to cry. Then she pulled me close and kissed me like five times in a row so I think maybe she liked that one best.

We spent the entire afternoon into the evening watching movies and playing video games and eating random things whenever we wanted and playing board games with my family. Zayn beat all of us at Scrabble and then she and Gemma were on the same Pictionary team and Mom and I didn’t stand a chance. 

I never did anything with my hair after taking a shower so it was a stupid crazy mess all day, but when we went downstairs to hang out by ourselves for awhile, Zayn kept twirling her fingers in it and she asked me if I would let her cut it sometime. I don’t know how I feel about that but I ended up agreeing to at least let her style it. She said she’s really good with hair and she’s been cutting and styling and dyeing her own for years and has some stuff to put in mine that would make it look cool. I don’t think that’s actually possible but she seems excited to try.

At one point we traded glasses so we could see if our prescriptions matched but of course they don’t, at all. Still, we took a bunch of pictures of each other and now there’s a ton of pictures of us making dumb faces in each other’s glasses on my phone. Even when she makes dumb faces though, she’s still so, so beautiful. I have no idea why someone as beautiful as her wants to be with someone like me.

I could tell when it was time to take her home that she didn’t want to go. I really didn’t want her to go, either. I almost asked my mom if she could just stay but it was already late and I felt awkward about it after what happened a couple of weeks ago.

So I drove her home and when I got back I was going to go right to bed, except when I went to my room and turned on the light, there in the middle of my bed was a little notebook-sized package that Zayn had left me. I don’t even know when she had snuck in there to drop it off. It was wrapped in plain white tissue paper and she’d written my name on it and even that part was so nice that I didn’t want to ruin it so I unwrapped it very, very carefully and I saved the paper.

Inside was an entire comic book that she made for me. Literally made from scratch, like she drew ALL of it, and wrote this whole story about this boy and this girl in high school who find out they have superpowers and join forces and this whole conspiracy that they solve and IT’S SO GOOD it’s so funny and amazing. I just stayed up to read the whole thing and I can’t wait to read it again. I cannot believe how incredible it is and how much time and effort she must have spent making it and the fact that she gave it to me. It’s the best present I’ve ever gotten from anyone, ever.

I’m so glad there’s no school for a week now because all I want to do is read my comic book over and over and spend as much time with Zayn as I can.

30th December 2013.

100th run today. 10 miles at 6.0mph.

This break is going by way too fast. This YEAR went by way too fast. I can’t believe tomorrow is New Year’s Eve already.

Jason called me and wanted to know if I was going to come over to his house like I usually do. I know Kyle is going to be there but I guess it’s just too much effort to keep being mad at Kyle so I stopped. We still don’t really talk anymore though. I told Jason I didn’t know what I was doing, because Zayn isn’t sure if she has to work yet. I guess if she goes to work maybe I’ll go to Jason’s for a little while. But if she doesn’t then we’re definitely doing something, I don’t know. Gemma’s staying over at her best friend’s house and my mom is going to a party with some of her friends. Jason said I could bring Zayn over to his house if I wanted but I don’t think it’s a good idea because of Kyle. What if he said something shitty again? He probably wouldn’t do that to her face but just thinking about it makes me really angry and I don’t want to take any chances.

Hanging out a lot with Zayn has been really good, mostly. She brought some hair stuff over and a weird looking hair dryer and she spent more than half an hour trying to get my dumb hair to do something. She said it has a really nice curl and if I made it shorter on the sides or something, it could look awesome. I don’t know, it seems like a lot of work.

I’ve asked her a few times now if she thinks she would ever want me to meet her family. She’s told me a little bit about them here and there (she has three brothers and no sisters) but I’ve never met any of them or even been inside her house at all. I’m not really sure why but she seems like she doesn’t want that to happen. I asked her if her parents or her brothers even know she has a boyfriend now and she said, “You don’t get it, Marcel Styles. They don’t care.” Then she changed the subject really fast.

They must care a little bit, though. I would hope so, anyway. I know all families work differently and maybe she’s not very close with hers but why wouldn’t they want to know that someone cares about her? I guess I’m a little concerned that when they do find out they’ll think I’m rude for not saying hello or ever meeting them.

Meanwhile Zayn and Gemma are basically friends now. Gem has been buying all of these new clothes since she’s been home, so she went through a lot of the stuff that was already in her closet and gave a bunch of it to Zayn. It’s strange because I didn’t think they really had that much in common but they talk all the time.

I got my grades for the semester and they’re all A’s. Even art. I was pretty happy about that.

1st January 2014.

Happy New Year

2nd January 2014.

Back to school today. It was hard to get up so early and I’m really tired.

Our schedules changed almost completely and I don’t have any classes with Zayn anymore but we still have the same lunch and right after lunch we’re across the hall from each other. She has Civics and I have Calculus II. I was really hoping we’d at least get Civics together but I have it before lunch. 

New Years Eve was a little weird. I’d asked my mom the day before if Zayn could just stay over, since it was New Years Eve and I wouldn’t have the car or anything, and my mom was really cool about it. Zayn had to work so I just stayed home and waited for her to be done. The restaurant closed at 10 so I figured she’d probably get to my house by 11 at the latest but it was past 11:30 before she showed up. She also happened to be really drunk.

I asked her what happened and she said she just had a couple of shots with her co-workers and that it was no big deal but she wasn’t very coherent at all. I had her sit on the sofa and I brought her some water and after she drank it she pulled a pillow onto my lap and she laid down and pretty much passed out. I watched the countdown on TV and then I didn’t move for a long time so she could sleep some.

Trying to get her up to move to my bed didn’t happen very quickly, and once I finally did get her to stand up she said she felt sick so I helped her into the bathroom and we got there just in time before she threw up.

It’s kind of strange how when someone you care about does something gross, you feel really bad for them instead of only being grossed out. That was how it was for me anyway, when I was holding Zayn’s hair back for her.

When she finished I made a cold washcloth for her forehead because that’s what my mom would always do after I would get sick. Zayn really wanted to lie down but I didn’t want her to pass out on the floor so I helped her get to my room and onto the bed. She still had her shoes and jeans and everything on, and as I undressed her I made sure to keep talking to her, just so she’d know that I wasn’t trying to take her clothes off for the wrong reasons. Except I didn’t know what to talk about so I ended up telling her about the time when I was twelve and I fell off my bike and got stitches in my leg. I helped her into one of my t-shirts and then I put the wastebasket from the bathroom by the bed in case she needed it, but she stayed asleep.

It’s not like I expected New Years Eve to be some kind of life-changing evening or anything. I knew it was going to basically be low-key and just hanging out together and watching TV. It was really hard not to be disappointed though. 

When I woke up Zayn was already awake and sitting up and she asked if it would be okay if she took a shower. While she did that I made some toast and coffee and brought them back to my room. Zayn came in with her hair in a towel and her own clothes on again and she handed me back my shirt. I don’t think she was feeling very well still, because she didn’t want any coffee.

She laid down on the bed again, even though I’d made it up already, and kind of curled up on top of the covers. I sat down beside her very carefully and I asked her if she could please tell me what happened.

She kept her eyes shut and she said, “I drank too much, I guess” and when I asked her why, she sighed and bit her lip and didn’t answer. I said, “Do you not want to tell me? Or do you not know why?” and she opened her eyes but she didn’t look up at me.

Then she said, “You should probably just break up with me, Marcel Styles.”

I honestly got so frustrated when I heard that, and I grabbed the corner of my pillow and I squeezed it really hard and I said, “Why would you even say that to me?!” and my voice was so much louder than I expected it to be.

Zayn raised her voice right back though, and she said, “Because it’s true, okay? Because all I do is fuck everything up all the time.”

I had to stand up then because I felt like I was going to explode. I even threw my pillow on the floor and I just paced back and forth because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to respond to her or how to even look at her.

Then she said really quietly, “Because you’re going away to college and I’m not even going to fucking graduate.”

I stopped and turned around and she finally looked at me. She was still curled up really small on my bed and her hair was still wrapped in a towel and her eyes were all serious and sad.

I said, “What do you mean?” and she explained that she failed three of her classes, including English, and that there would be no way to catch up before graduation, and then told me again that I should just break up with her.

I asked her to please stop saying that, and I told her that there had to be some way to work it out somehow, that we should just talk to her guidance counselor about it and Zayn interrupted me and called him a bunch of awful names so I’m kind of thinking he’s not really been very helpful to her. 

So today at lunch I brought Zayn with me to see my guidance counselor Mrs. Allen who has always been really nice to me. Zayn was really nervous about it though and before we went in she made me promise again that I wouldn’t say anything about the stuff she told me before, and I promised.

Mrs. Allen figured out a way for Zayn to graduate on time, but it means she has to go to class at night on Wednesdays, which she’s not very happy about. She finally agreed to sign up but she said she doesn’t know if she’s actually going to go or not.

Just in general she doesn’t seem very happy about most things these days.

8th January 2014.

103rd run, 8 miles at 6.0mph.

My classes so far are okay. I have a lot of homework but I’m also in three AP courses and Calculus II. I’m starting to wonder how much worse it’s going to be when I get to college and if I’ll ever have time to do anything besides study.

Right now I’m waiting in the parking lot for Zayn to be finished with her night class. I made a deal with her that if she went this first week to at least see what it was about, I’d buy her a hot chocolate afterward. (I probably would have bought her a hot chocolate anyway, but I’m glad she agreed to go.)

I miss having art class with her and being able to write her little notes and watching her create stuff with just her pens and pencils and her imagination. I miss watching her hands move, the way her fingers are always all marked up with ink and I miss letting her draw on me. I tried to tell her after Christmas how amazing her comic book was and how much I love it but she got all embarrassed about it or something and made me shut up. She’s kind of bossy sometimes with me but I honestly don’t mind. I kind of like it. I like making her happy.

We still aren’t the kind of people who spend every possible moment together in the hall at school or hold hands or kiss in front of everyone. Lots of people do that and it just seems like they think it makes them more important, or something. But I think for Zayn it’s more important that she keeps private things for herself. It seems really hard for her to share personal stuff. I don’t mind either way. I’m grateful that she trusts me with things and if she wanted me to I’d gladly tell the whole school how crazy I am about her. But I’m just as happy knowing that what we are with each other is just for us. 

Sunday is her birthday and I want to make it really, really special. I have a cool idea but it’s going to take some favors to make it happen.

12th January 2014.

Today was so great. I told Zayn I’d pick her up at five and she wanted to know where we were going but I told her it was a surprise.

She got in the car and she’d done her hair and makeup really nice and she looked amazing. I drove us downtown to this art gallery that my mom’s friend works at. I asked Zayn a while ago if she’d ever been there before and she said she hadn’t even heard of it. That was when I started to get the idea for today.

We got to the door and the sign had the opening hours on it and Zayn said, all disappointed, “Marcel Styles, they just closed.” I just smiled at her and then I rang the buzzer.

My mom’s friend let us in and as she left she handed me the keys with a big smile.

Zayn and I walked through and looked at all the art, room by room, taking our time because we were the only ones in there. It’s not a very big gallery but I think she really liked it. Sometimes she would get really excited about a piece and bring me over to explain to me why it was so great, talking about things like depth and drama and contrast. 

What she didn’t know is that I’d been there earlier and set up a little picnic for us in the last room. I brought sandwiches and homemade cake and fruit and I got some diet cherry soda for her and some juice for me and we drank them out of plastic wine glasses so it was more fancy. I even lit a candle in the cake and she wouldn’t let me sing Happy Birthday to her but she made a wish anyway. I promised her that one day we’d go to a real art museum with paintings by famous artists and we’d spend all day there until they made us leave if she wanted.

After that she kissed me a lot so I think I did okay with birthday stuff.

Two things. One, I’m not very good at making cake. Thank God for my mom. Two, I love Zayn and I want to be with her for a very long time. I don’t know if she feels the same way or if it’ll work out, but I hope so. 

15th January 2013.

Instead of working in the library, I’m doing peer tutoring now. It hasn’t been very much work so far but now people are starting to prepare for tests and stuff so it’s a little busier. Basically I sit in a room with a bunch of other peer tutors and if someone needs help with their schoolwork and it’s their study hall they can get a pass to come see us. I usually help with math or sometimes science. When it’s not busy I can get my own homework done which is always good.

Today there were only like fifteen minutes left and someone came in needing help with Algebra. I took Algebra in eighth grade so I thought, cool, this will be easy.

The guy who needed my help though, is one of the freshman football players.

At first he didn’t even want to sit down and looked around like maybe he could go to someone else but everyone else was already busy. That’s what happens when you wait until the last fifteen minutes.

Then he sat down and basically threw his quiz at me, where he only got two out of ten right. I passed it back to him very slowly and I said, “Hi, I’m Marcel. What’s your name?”

I already knew his name is Luke but I figured it’d be good if he learned a little bit about trying to be civil to people. Honestly though my hands were kind of shaking until he finally said something to me.

He still acted like it was a huge burden to be there, and that he was really unhappy about it. I did what I was supposed to do and got through two of his quiz questions trying to help him understand the basics of variables and then we ran out of time. I told him (like I tell everyone) to come back if he needed more help. He stood up and said “yeah, whatever” but before he walked away he said “thanks” really quick and quiet. I don’t think he expected me to hear it but I heard it.

Zayn says her Wednesday night school is “really stupid and boring and full of old people.” I thought she meant, like, grandparents but I guess she means people older than high school. I told her it’s good practice for when she takes classes in college and she laughed really sarcastically. 

I know she hasn’t made any college plans yet but she still could. She’s always got a whole list of reasons why it won’t work, though. I try to counter with solutions but she usually ends up getting upset or telling me to stop trying to tell her what to do. Which isn’t what I’m doing at all, or at least I’m not trying to. I know she has a lot going on right now and I’m only trying to help her realize her options. I don’t want her to get to graduation and regret not thinking about it, that’s all.

She’s just too smart and talented to be stuck here in this town serving pizza to people for the rest of her life. I wish she believed that, too.

21st January 2014.

107th, run 11 miles at 5.6mph.

I have to give a presentation tomorrow on the French Revolution in AP European History and I’m really nervous. I keep going over my notes and reviewing my power point and talking to myself. I should probably already be asleep but I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon.

Yesterday in peer tutoring Luke came back to see me after he got a C- on his test. He was a little less rude this time but still really agitated. (I don’t understand why athletes have so many emotional issues. Running always makes me feel better, so I don’t get it.) I worked with him for almost the entire hour though and I think he understands now where he messed up with equations. He has to re-take his exam because all the athletes have to maintain certain grades the whole year, not just during their sport season. I guess they’re pretty lucky that they get to re-take stuff.

Gemma went back to school on Sunday, and my mom is working nights this week, so it’s been kind of quiet the past couple of days. Zayn came over last night though because she didn’t have to work. I worked on my presentation and she worked on some of her homework and then we took a break, which meant we ended up making out on the sofa.

I’m always really careful to ask her if she’s comfortable and not only about how we’re lying on the sofa and everything. I know she hates feeling like she can’t move, so usually I end up on my side or on my back and she tucks herself against me while we kiss, and I touch her face and her arm and run my hand over her hair and along her back and her side really slowly. When she starts to get uncomfortable with what’s happening and can’t say so, she usually holds her breath and goes really still, so that’s how I know to pause or stop completely.

Last night though, right when everything was good, really good actually, we’d been kissing for a while and I could tell from the way she was holding on to me, and the sounds she was making and how she was breathing that she was doing good, right out of the blue she started to cry. But it was different than other times before when she’d go all shaky and quiet and scared, because this time she wanted to keep kissing me and kept trying to press closer and closer. I turned my head though and I tucked my hand into her hair and I asked her what was wrong and she said, “Don’t stop, I’m okay, please don’t stop.” I said, “Why are you crying then, what’s going on?” and she took a big shuddery breath and she said, “You just always make me feel so pretty.”

I hugged her really tightly after she said that and I said, “You ARE pretty, you’re so pretty Zayn, you don’t need me for that.” Then I kissed her again and brushed her tears away with my fingers.

It wasn’t until later that I got really sick and sad thinking about what other guys did to her that ever made her feel less than beautiful. And how they probably never even think about it now, but Zayn doesn’t have a choice, and it’s so fucking unfair.

30th January 2014.

It’s been really cold for a few days now, the kind of cold where it hurts to breathe when you go outside. Zayn really hates it. She didn’t come to school today and she wasn’t there on Tuesday either. She’s still going to her Wednesday night classes though. I told her that if she makes it through the entire eight weeks I’d let her cut my hair since she seems so excited to try it.

She even made me pinky swear on the deal so it’s actually official. I’m kind of nervous about it but I figure it’s a pretty good trade-off.

I went yesterday with my mom to get measured at the suit place. It was really fancy and I worked with a man who helped me choose fabrics and what it will look like and everything. I went with black because he said it was classic. I also learned navy blue is considered a neutral. I don’t know if neutral is the same as classic. I don’t really understand clothes. It should be cool when it’s all done, though.

My mom is also making me go to the eye doctor after school tomorrow. Everything is fine, it’s just something about the way her insurance works that I have to go by tomorrow to get new glasses. I’m bringing Zayn with me so she can tell me what looks okay.

8th February 2014.

I have a cold and I’ve pretty much been in bed since after school yesterday. I hate being sick especially with a bad cold because it makes my asthma act up and it’s just really gross.

Zayn and I had made plans to hang out tonight but I told her not to come over because I don’t want to get her sick. But she came over anyway because she’s stubborn and she does what she wants. She brought this really spicy chicken soup with her and after days of not being able to taste anything it was actually pretty good. I mean my eyes were really watering but I couldn’t tell if it was because of my cold or the spiciness or both. My mom even tried a spoonful of it and she said it was too hot for her.

Zayn also brought some new comic books over and I fell asleep while we were reading them. Cold medication makes me really drowsy. When I woke up she was still there and she’d covered me with a blanket and she had me convinced for a few minutes that I talk in my sleep. I think she felt guilty about tricking me though because she admitted she was just making it up. I told her she was mean for picking on me while I’m ill and she said, “whatever, you love me.”

Then she looked down at her comic book again and my heart started pounding really hard and I wanted to say, “Yeah, I do... I actually do love you” but I was thinking too slow and it had already been this big pause and I kind of missed my chance.

I should have just said it anyway. Valentine’s Day is coming up and I know it’s a completely fabricated and commercialized thing but I’ve never been in love before so I’m actually sort of looking forward to it. 

12th February 2014.

Today there was an assembly before lunch. I remember being told last week that it would be happening but I must have forgotten.

Basically half of the senior class went to the auditorium to hear a presentation, and the other half went in the afternoon, after lunch. I didn’t really pay very close attention to what it would be about. This sort of thing has happened before, where the school brings someone in to talk about bullying or drug and alcohol abuse or something like that and no one listens and people talk and laugh in the middle of it and it’s kind of pointless and nothing changes.

We were told to sit with the classroom we were supposed to be in, but no one really paid attention to that rule too much, and I did look for Zayn when I got there. I definitely didn’t see her, so I thought maybe she was in the afternoon group, or something. 

When the presentation started, this guy and this lady got up on the stage and they started off talking about Valentine’s Day and how you might be dating someone or want to ask someone on a date, or whatever, I can’t really remember. Then they started talking about what a “healthy” relationship is, just with like, communication and mutual respect and listening to each other and stuff like that.

Then things started to get really heavy. They started talking about dating violence and domestic abuse and all of those awful, unhealthy things that people do, when they're supposed to love each other.

Then it got worse and they started talking about sexual violence, and what it is and how it happens and how it’s never okay, and I think most people were quiet and respectful because it’s a very serious and uncomfortable topic, but then there was definitely a group toward the front who were laughing and being really stupid and disruptive. This went on for a few minutes and then I saw some teachers sort of walking over there probably to deal with it, but then something else happened.

Right in the middle of the presentation, Zayn got up and left the auditorium in a big hurry.

When it happened, it took me a minute to figure out what was going on, because the room was mostly dark, and there was already the commotion from the students in the front who were laughing and being stupid, and then before I even realized what was happening Zayn was practically running to the doors in the back and then everyone turned around and was talking and standing up to watch. I was sort of in the middle of my row but when my brain finally caught up I grabbed my bag and I had to climb over like a dozen people to get out to the aisle and I started to run after her but she was already out the doors and into the hallway.

Then everything became this big mess... students were leaving their seats and moving toward the doors and everyone was talking and teachers were shouting for people to go back and sit down and be quiet. I didn’t care though, I just kept going until I was out of the auditorium and then I saw Zayn at the end of the hall, but she was with a couple of teachers who were leading her away quickly toward where the administration offices are. I started to follow after them but then Mrs. Allen was there and she stopped me and I don’t remember what she said to me or what I said back to her but I know I argued with her because I needed to find Zayn and make sure she was okay. Then she said my name really loudly and asked me to please return to my seat. Mrs. Allen never shouts, ever, so it kind of scared me, and then she asked me again but really quiet and with her hand on my shoulder to guide me back through the doors of the auditorium.

Most everyone had sat back down and the people giving the presentation were talking again. I took a seat in the back row but I couldn’t bring myself to pay attention, I could only think about Zayn and what was happening with her and if she was okay and if anyone thought to hold her hand and remind her to breathe because when she gets that upset, she forgets. I kept sitting there and my own chest got really tight and my throat closed up and my face got really hot and I was so afraid that no one was helping her breathe. 

As soon as the bell rang and the presentation ended I went directly to the offices to try to figure out where they’d taken her. All of the guidance counselors work there though, and the other administrators and the principal and the nurse and there were so many closed doors and I didn’t know where to go. Eventually a secretary of some sort asked if she could help me and I told her I needed to find Zayn and she said I needed to have a pass or go back to class.

Usually I’m okay with rules but today all of them just made me really angry.

Technically I had lunch at that time, so I went to the art supply room like usual and I waited and waited and sent her some texts but Zayn didn’t show up. In fact I looked for her for the rest of the day, but it wasn’t until I was in last period that Mrs. Allen came into my classroom and told me to bring my things and go with her to the office. Everyone started talking around me as I packed up my stuff and I couldn’t really hear what they said but I knew they were talking about Zayn and the auditorium and I was just so frustrated with everything and everyone’s awful behavior that I shouted “SHUT UP ALREADY, GOD” and then everything went completely quiet.

Mrs. Allen put her arm around me as we walked out into the hall and I really appreciated that because my heart was pounding so loud after shouting and I kind of needed a hug since before lunch. When we got there, the lady who had been giving the presentation introduced herself to me and she said she’d been having a talk with Zayn and then she started to say something else but I interrupted her and asked where Zayn was and if she was okay and I thought I might start to cry. She said Zayn was feeling better now and she wanted to see me and that it might be a good idea if Zayn and I left a little early today and that’s why Mrs. Allen came to get me out of class.

As we walked toward the offices I chatted a little bit with the presentation lady and she was really nice. She gave me some information and a card with her e-mail and her phone number on it and she told me she gave all that information to Zayn too, but that I could always call or write her with any questions if I ever needed to. She told me that Zayn had told her I was ‘really wonderful’ and I definitely didn’t know what to say about that. 

Zayn was in one of the offices that I’d never seen before, it had a sofa and some lamps and looked a little bit like a tiny living room I guess. She was curled up on one end of the sofa and she had a tissue in her hand and I could tell she’d been crying a lot. I set my bag down and I sat down next to her and she leaned against me and I just hugged her for a long time. I wanted to say so many things but everything just sounded so small in my head and my throat was really tight anyway so I stayed quiet.

Eventually I asked her if she wanted to talk about everything and she said she was really tired of talking, and just really tired in general, and I told her she could come take a nap at my house if she wanted to so that's what she did.

Zayn still went to her night class tonight. I would have totally understood if she didn’t want to after such a terrible day, and I told her that, but she said she wasn’t going to miss because we had a deal and she didn't intend to break it.

So I went with her and did some homework in the front lobby while I waited for her to finish. I hope it helped, even just a little, for her to know that I was just down the hall if she got scared and needed me. But now that I think about it, I think she actually might be one of the bravest people I’ve ever known.

15th February 2014.

112th run, 8 miles at 6.2mph.

The rest of this week at school was kind of weird. Random people who have never even talked to me before keep starting conversations with me and then out of nowhere they ask me about Zayn and why she ran out of the auditorium. I have no idea what they expect me to say and I know most of them don’t actually care, they’re just trying to be gossipy. It’s weird that I used to wish I had more friends and stuff and now I just wish everyone would leave me alone.

Zayn stayed home on Thursday but she came to school yesterday and she brought me a tin of homemade cookies. They’re all in the shape of hearts but she decorated them with black and blue frosting and sprinkles shaped like skulls and bones. The frosting turned our tongues black and blue when we ate them at lunch, which was pretty funny.

I had no idea what I should get Zayn for Valentine’s Day. Part of me really wanted to go all out and do all the usual couple stuff, chocolates and flowers and a card and everything. But that’s kind of cheesy and not really Zayn, and because it’s been such a weird week for us both I just gave her this little black cat stuffed animal that I bought, and then I told her I would take her out somewhere, wherever she wanted to go. She wanted to stay in though, so we ended up cooking dinner together and hanging out. When we were trying to figure out what to watch on TV she had her feet up on the coffee table and she started complaining about how she needed to paint her toenails. I told her I would paint them for her if she wanted me to and she looked at me all surprised and confused. For a moment I thought maybe that was weird of me to offer but she said, “really?” and I said “yeah, if you want?” and then she was like, “sure, alright.” When I was a little kid I used to paint my own nails with my mom and Gemma all the time. I guess I sort of grew out of it or whatever but it was never a big deal. I think Zayn was kind of surprised that I knew about base coats and top coats and everything.

While I was painting her nails we had kind of a serious conversation. It was partly about plans for after graduation (she still doesn’t have any, but I think she wants to now) and partly about this week and what happened and how she’s going to talk to someone once a week now to try to work through some of the stuff that she’s thinking and feeling all the time. She seems fairly optimistic (at least by Zayn standards) that it’s a good thing to do.

Later when we were making out she asked me why I still wanted to be her boyfriend. I said, “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I?” and she said, “Don’t you think it’s kind of pointless since we’re not having sex, I mean, what’s the point.” Then I said, “I think the point is that I love you.”

Honestly I’d completely forgotten it was Valentine’s Day, and I didn’t even plan that. I didn’t realize I’d said it until it was out there, and then I couldn’t take it back (not that I wanted to). I don’t think Zayn minded though, I mean I don’t think she thought it was too cheesy, because after kissing me a couple more times she said it back.

I still don’t know what will happen in the future but for right now I think things are pretty good.

20th February 2014.

115th run, 10.5 miles at 6.0mph.

Luke got a B+ on his Algebra exam and he stopped by during peer tutoring to tell me about it. I told him that was awesome and then he did this strange high-five handshake fist bump thing with me. I didn’t really understand it but he was too excited about his grade to care. He still ignores me in the hallway and everything but to be honest, being ignored by the freshman football team is definitely an upgrade so I’m not complaining.

I made a schedule of all my exams, projects, presentations and papers that I have to finish before the end of the year and it’s so much. It’s also starting to get weird to think that in three months I’ll be finished with high school. Then it’ll be graduation and then summer and then I’ll be in college. So weird.

1st March 2014.

119th run, 12 miles at 6.0mph.

Zayn completed her night classes and she even got a B so we went out to celebrate. My mom also came along and she bought us dinner, which was really cool of her. Now as long as Zayn passes all of her classes before the end of the year she’ll be able to graduate. She said she’s pretty sure she can pull it off and I believe her.

When we got back from dinner I let Zayn cut my hair. She actually brought special scissors and combs and everything so I guess I underestimated her seriousness about it. I was still really nervous and I sat so that I wasn’t looking at the mirror because I didn’t want to watch.

Basically my hair has been the same ever since middle school and it’s so unruly that I usually just comb it all back. I haven’t really thought about doing anything different with it at all and I guess I was kind of afraid it would end up looking weird if I tried.

Zayn took a long time with it and put on some music and told me repeatedly to “listen, seriously Marcel Styles, relax, it’s going to look badass.” I just took a deep breath and closed my eyes and tried to remember that hair grows back.

When she was done with the scissors she put some stuff in it that smelled really nice and then kept twirling her fingers through it while she used the blow dryer on it. It was so relaxing I almost fell asleep. Finally when she finished I looked up and she was doing that thing where she bites her lip really hard to keep from smiling super big. I thought oh god, it’s going to be terrible, and I said “is it bad? How bad is it?” and she was like, “go look.”

I went to the mirror and I honestly could not believe it was actually my hair. She made it look so different and amazing and it’s all curly but great somehow. I had to lean in really close because I didn’t have my glasses on and then Zayn was like, “hey, what ever happened to those new hipster glasses you were supposed to get?” and I had totally forgotten that I’d picked them up so I went to my room to get them and put them on and when I came back into the bathroom Zayn was sitting on the sink and then she gasped and said, “holy shit, Marcel Styles.”

I said, “What?” because I didn’t get it at first that she meant it in a good way.

She said, “You look totally fucking hot. Seriously.”

I think she really meant it, because we made out right there until I heard my mom on the stairs and we had to stop.

I’m still not entirely sure that I look like myself. I don’t dislike my new “look” it’s just going to take some getting used to, I think. Maybe doing something new is good for me, though, since I’m going to be doing a lot of new things this year.

4th March 2014.

Whatever Zayn did to my hair, I can’t figure out how to do it. I called her on Monday morning in a panic because I couldn’t make it do anything except flop around and I think I woke her up because she was totally cranky at me. But she met me at school early and we went into the girls’ bathroom on the third floor and she made me put my head in the sink to get my hair wet and then by some sort of magic she somehow made it look great again.

Then today it was the same thing and when I couldn’t get it to work I just put my hat on over it and she just sighed at me when she saw me at my locker and dragged me into the bathroom again.

I can’t expect her to do my hair every day for the rest of my life so she’s coming over tomorrow morning to show me what to do.

The looks I’m getting from everyone are pretty epic though. Plus I’ve lost count of how many girls have come up to me and told me how great my hair looks and that they like my glasses. The first few times I thought it was some sort of joke but then I just started saying “thank you” but then it happened so much I thought it was a joke again. It’s kind of weird that it’s only girls who say anything, but I think girls are just more comfortable saying that people look nice in general.

At lunch today we were sitting on the beanbag in the art supply room and I was eating a banana and Zayn showed me some of the art she’s compiling into her senior portfolio. Then she told me she “called this one art school” but that they said it was “too late to apply this year.” I told her it was just one place and maybe there was somewhere else or maybe she could get on a waiting list or apply for next year and take some generic classes at the community college until she could transfer. She stole the last part of my banana and rolled her eyes and said, “Ugh what a headache, I give up” and kind of sprawled out everywhere. I told her if she kept insisting on stealing my fruit all the time then I wasn’t going to let her give up. Then she smashed the banana peel against my face. 

I love her so much.

8th March 2014.

Gemma’s home for her spring break so that’s kind of cool. She was sitting in the living room when I got home from school and I came in and she did this huge double take so I guess I really do look kind of different if Gemma was surprised about it. She said my haircut was very “on trend” which she explained is a good thing.

Gemma and mom wanted to get pizza so we went to the place where Zayn works and got a table in her section. She brought us some breadsticks even though we didn’t order them and my mom left her a big tip.

Zayn didn’t really have very much time to talk because it was kind of busy in there even for a Friday night. We were sitting at a table where I could kind of see back to where the servers get things from the kitchen, and refill sodas and everything. I wasn’t really trying to stare at her, but it was weird being in the same room and knowing she had to do a bunch of other stuff and couldn’t sit with us or anything. 

Watching her interact and laugh with her co-workers from across the room made me feel a little bit sad, I guess. At the time I wasn’t really sure why but after I thought about it, I think it’s just that I know there’s going to be a point where we’re not going to see each other very much because we’ll be at least a couple of hours apart, or maybe more if Zayn goes away to school somewhere. It’s not like I want that to change anything about us now but I guess I’m just realizing that eventually it will have to and there’s nothing I can do about it.

17th March 2014.

125th run, 11 miles 6.2mph

It’s still two and a half months until graduation and my mom is already talking about what my party should be like. I don’t want to sound ungrateful or anything but I seriously do not have the time to make decisions about my graduation party right now. I sort of hinted to my mom that I didn’t even really need to have one and she told me to stop being ridiculous. I know she’s really excited for it and proud of me and I appreciate that but I have too many other things to think about.

We started reading Hamlet in English class and so far it’s kind of messed up. The discussions during class are more questions than answers, and so is the whole play, I think. We spent twenty minutes today just arguing about whether or not ghosts are real. It makes my head hurt just thinking about it, but I have to think about it, because I have to do a group project on it. My group members are Sarah, Hannah and Laura and so far they seem mostly organized and engaged and stuff, so hopefully our project won’t be too difficult to do.

I’d completely forgotten about the fact that I used to think Laura was cute, back when we were freshmen. I suddenly remembered that today when we got put in a group together. (Obviously I didn’t mention it.) I don’t feel that way anymore and I haven’t for a long time (even though Laura is really nice and smart and everything, and I’m pretty sure she has a boyfriend) and remembering about that for some reason just made me really glad I ended up with Zayn.

Maybe most things just make me think of Zayn and make me really glad we’re together. That’s probably it.

21st March 2014.

Spring break is in two weeks and all of a sudden my mom wants me to go on vacation with her. She’s already taken the week off and everything. Of course she didn’t mention this to me until now, and she thought I would be really excited about it, when in reality I was already planning on doing a bunch of school stuff during spring break.

I tried to tell her we could go in the summer after graduation when I didn’t have FOUR THOUSAND tons of homework but she said it’s harder for her to get time off in the summer and she wasn’t sure if she could. I feel really bad because I think she thought it would be a nice surprise for me and I know I’ve been kind of on edge lately but between all my schoolwork and stuff with Zayn and trying to find an internship for the summer, I just have SO much to do all the time. I know it’s my last high school spring break and I know she’s trying to be nice and I know I disappointed her and basically everything is frustrating.

I don’t think she was mad at me or anything, but she did leave soon after our talk to go run some errands. So I tried to call Zayn because I was feeling bad and already thinking about how to get everything done in the next two weeks so I could go to Florida with mom instead and I just wanted to talk to her but I forgot that Zayn was in her counseling session.

She sent me a text afterward to ask why I called since I didn’t leave a voicemail. But she was on her way to work, so I replied and told her it was no big deal and we could talk later or tomorrow.

23rd March 2014.

So I guess I’m going to Florida with my mom but not for the whole week, just for the first half. It was this whole big thing and Gemma even called me and told me that mom is freaking out about me leaving for college and I guess she’s right, I kind of do need a few days away to have a break from everything.

It’s not that I don’t want to go, I’m just afraid of all the stuff I have to do when I get back. Gemma says I worry too much. I didn’t bring up the fact she’s a psychology major but it was really tempting.

Maybe I can try to get a tan? I’ve never tried. Florida seems like a good place to do that.

Zayn and I went to the movies today and then we went to this coffee shop that she likes and we sat there until they closed just talking about the movie and our classes and all the homework we have. There was this weird moment where she mentioned how annoying it was that these people in her Civics class are on the prom committee, and they won’t shut up about all their prom planning.

I honestly hadn’t even thought about prom because it still seems like it’s so far away but I guess it really isn’t. I didn’t really know what to say except “that sounds really annoying, yeah” and then Zayn said “yeah pretty much” and then she told me I had some marshmallow on my face from my hot chocolate but I kind of think it was just an excuse to kiss me.

Not that I minded.

Maybe I should ask her to prom? I’m not sure if she wants to go or if she’d just laugh about it. Part of me really wants to go and part of me thinks it’d just be stupid. It’s seriously 50/50 right now.

1st April 2014.

130th run, 8.5 miles at 6.2mph.

I leave on Friday after school for Florida and my mom is so excited. She’s even paying for Gemma to go for the weekend (she can’t miss her classes on Monday) so it’ll be like a nice (but short) family getaway. My mom and I will come back Wednesday. Which leaves me Thursday through Sunday to get all my stuff done. 

I got a whole bunch of college info this week about who my roommate will be (his name is Josh) and how my orientation works and when my move-in date is and all of that stuff. It’s exciting but also scary. I sent my future roommate an e-mail to say hello. I hope he’s at least kind of nice. I think most people are at least kind of nice, though.

That reminds me. Luke has been showing up at least once a week for Algebra help and he’s actually kind of a funny person once he stops pretending he’s too cool to talk to you. He still says bad things sometimes, like just really ignorant things, but when I tell him why it’s not cool to say or think those things he apologizes to me. Then I tell him not to be sorry, just to like, not say those things, because it’s really mean, and life is hard enough for everybody without mean people making it worse.

Then the other day some of his teammates started harassing me in the hallway while I was at my locker, just stupid verbal stuff I’ve learned to ignore a long time ago. But then Luke walked up and told them to shut up and that they sounded like morons with no brain cells, which was a little bit ironic, so it made me smile. I didn’t look over at him, I just ignored him like I did with the rest of them, but it felt a little bit like a victory.

5th April 2014.

Florida is so sunny and hot and we’re staying right on the ocean in a little apartment. Mom and Gemma are sharing the bedroom and I’m on the sofa but it’s not that terrible actually. As sofas go it’s pretty comfortable.

I stayed up late texting with Zayn last night because I guess her session with her counselor was kind of hard this week. I only had a really quick chance to tell her goodbye after school because my mom was picking me up and we were going right to the airport. I know I’ll only be gone a few days but I miss her already.

I don’t generally ask her too many questions about her sessions but sometimes she brings them up and tells me a little bit about them. I said I would call her if she wanted but she replied and said it was easier to tell me things with text messages. Most of the time I’m not sure what to say but I guess the important thing is just to listen and let her know I’m there and that I love her. It was really hard knowing she was kind of upset and being so far away though. I didn’t like that at all.

She picked up a lot of extra shifts this week because it’s spring break but she told me she has Thursday off. I told her not to make any plans because we’re going to hang out all day long. All I want to do is hold her for a long time.

8th April 2014.

135th run, 4 miles at 5.5mph.

I’ve been jogging on the beach every morning so I’m kind of estimating what my distances are. Running on sand is way different than on the treadmill. I’ve finally gotten used to it and now we’re going home.

It’s been a nice vacation with my family though and I think I even have a little bit of a tan. I also got a lot of reading done so I should be able to get my other work finished when I get back.

Zayn and I have been sending each other a lot of photos. Mostly of ourselves but sometimes of other things too. She’s working on a painting for her art class right now and she’s been sending me pictures of that. I sent her some pictures of seagulls and the sky at sunset. I even wrote her a postcard, but I’ll be home before it gets to her. I just thought it might make her smile to get something in the mail even if it’s a few days late.

10th April 2014.

Today was the best day. I picked Zayn up and we went shopping (first coffee, then the art store, the video game store, the comic book store, then this resale shop she likes to go to) and then my mom needed the car so we got tacos and brought them back to my house and ate them while we watched TV. I told her all about Florida and she told me about her week so far and then we talked about all the places we’ve been to and everywhere we still want to go. Zayn’s never even seen the ocean before and that’s what she wants to do most. She was just in a really good mood and super talkative and I was so happy to be with her again and even though five days isn’t really that long I think it was the longest we’d been apart since we started dating.

We sort of had a discussion about when it actually was that we started dating, or when we should count it or whatever, and in the end we agreed it should be the beginning of November, even though we didn’t actually define it until December. We kind of laughed about how silly we were back then, and how both of us were afraid of what the other person was thinking so that more than a month went by and neither of us knew what was happening. I think we’re both a little bit better now about saying how we feel.

We ended up making out on my bed for a really long time in between talking and cuddling. By ‘a really long time’ I mean a few hours and we were both really into it and there was a point where she was lying on top of me while we kissed and her hips were moving against mine and I had to stop or I was going to do something really embarrassing in my jeans. Then I guess because we’d been talking about pretty much anything and everything all day, Zayn started asking me questions about things I’ve done and not done and I guess I thought she knew I hadn’t ever had a girlfriend or anything like one before, but she didn’t. Then she started asking me some questions about what I like to do to myself, and that was a little embarrassing but it was mostly like when and how often so I told her. (I know communication is really important and talking about these things was a little awkward at first but then it got easier.) Then she said she wanted to watch me do it and at first I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea or not but she kissed me and told me she really wanted to, that she’d been thinking about it all week, and I couldn’t really argue with that.

So I laid on my back and she curled up against my side and kissed me and I guess it was over kind of fast but we’d been making out ALL day.

Two things. One, that’s totally the hottest thing I’ve ever done by far and I can’t stop thinking about it. Two, I asked her pretty much all the same questions she asked me and I found out that somehow Zayn’s never even had an orgasm at all, ever, which I also can’t stop thinking about, because now more than anything else I want to help make that happen.

16th April 2014.

I wish I was still on spring break because this week has been so busy and it’s only Wednesday. I swear my teachers get together and coordinate all of their exams and assignments because I have so much stuff due on Friday it can’t be statistically possible that it’s a coincidence. (Actually it can I’m just freaking out I guess.)

Today at lunch Zayn and I sat outside because it was finally warm enough to do that again. While we were sitting there Mrs. Powers walked up and she said hi and didn’t tell us we had to go to the cafeteria or anything but she asked Zayn if she’d thought any more about “helping out” like they talked about and Zayn said “maybe” and Mrs. Powers said “it’d be great to have you” and then she went inside.

I asked Zayn what that was all about and at first she said “nothing” and then I just stared at her long enough until she rolled her eyes at me and then explained it. I guess the drama club is doing a big production of The Glass Menagerie and Mrs. Powers wants Zayn to help with painting the sets. I told her she should do it, that it would be a cool thing to have as experience and extra-curricular activity and everything. Plus it’s art and she loves art. She said “yeah, maybe” and then I asked her why she didn’t want to and she got a little cranky with me and said “can we just stop talking about it?” and lit a cigarette.

So after that, the rest of lunch was a little bit awkward. But she found me at my locker later and she didn’t mention it or say anything really but she gave me a hug so I guess we’re okay.

20th April 2014.

140th run, 8 miles at 6.2mph.

What a weird week that became a weird weekend. I had so much on my mind with school and then it seemed like ever since Wednesday at lunch, every conversation I had with Zayn became this almost argument where I couldn’t really figure out why she was getting so impatient and upset with me. I think I apologized to her at least twelve times every day even though I honestly had no idea what I was doing wrong. It was super frustrating and it made me really sad.

Then yesterday morning she called me and she was getting ready for work but she asked if I wanted to do something today and if so, could I come pick her up. I was honestly a little surprised because even though we usually hang out on Sundays, she had been in such a bad mood all week I didn’t know if she’d want to see me. Then after we made a plan I got really worried that maybe she was just going to break up with me when I went over there.

So I drove over today and I texted her from the driveway like usual, and she came out but she didn’t have her purse or anything and I got even more nervous. When she got in the car I said “hi” but she just reached over and turned the car off and took the keys. Then she was just sitting there holding my keys and kind of fidgeting with them and before she even said anything I thought I was going to maybe start crying, just waiting for her to say she was breaking up with me.

The first thing she said though was, “so I’ve been kind of a bitch to you, and I’m sorry.” This big rush of relief came over me and right away I was like “no, it’s okay” but she said really fast, “Marcel Styles, please let me finish.” So I stayed quiet and just listened.

I don’t remember exactly everything she said but she told me I didn’t do anything wrong and that she talked a lot about me and about us in her session on Friday and realized she was just sort of freaking out about everything and the future and that if she picks fights with me when I haven’t done anything, I should just tell her to knock it off. I thought about it for a minute and then I asked her how I’m supposed to know if she’s picking a fight with me or if she has a real reason to be mad and she was like, “come on Marcel Styles, how many times have I ever actually been mad at you?” and while I was trying to think of an example, she started fidgeting with my keys again and she said, “I love you. I just don’t know what to do about it sometimes, with all the other shit going on in my head.”

Then I leaned over and gave her a hug and told her I loved her too, and when we pulled apart again she reached into the pocket of her leather jacket and pulled out the postcard I’d sent her from Florida. I was reading what I’d written on it again and Zayn said, “So my mom would kind of like to know who’s sending me postcards with all the hearts all over them.”

It didn’t even occur to me that her parents might see it, and I started to apologize but Zayn just grinned and said, “shut up, do you want to come inside or not?”

Zayn’s mom’s name is Tricia and she was the only one home. She’s really sweet and Zayn looks so much like her. I felt bad because I didn’t even wear a nice shirt or anything I was just in my hoodie so I hope she doesn’t think I’m rude.

25th April 2014.

Our group project for English is due on Wednesday and I think so far it’s turning out pretty good. We’ve all been meeting at Laura’s house after school to work on it because Laura only lives a couple of blocks away. Hannah and Sarah are both also on yearbook so they’re kind of freaking out about yearbook things since I guess that’s almost finished too.

They also talk a lot about prom and who they’re going with and who their friends are going with and all of those plans. Prom is only three weeks away now so I guess if I’m going to ask Zayn if she wants to go with me, I should probably do that. But I don’t want her to feel like she has to go if she doesn’t want to. I kind of want to go but if she doesn’t, then I wouldn’t be upset if we didn’t.

I’m actually kind of surprised my mom hasn’t brought it up yet. I think she’s been too busy planning my graduation party. I kind of told her just to do whatever she thinks would be good because I’m sure it’ll be nice and it’s just going to be my family anyway.

26th April 2014.

Totally spoke too soon. I was eating breakfast this morning and my mom came in the kitchen for another cup of coffee and didn’t even say hello, just said, “When are we getting your prom tux for you? Let’s go today.”

So now I’ve ordered a tux and I haven’t even asked Zayn to go yet. I couldn’t even ask my mom how I should ask her because my mom thinks I already have. I really hope she wants to go now, because it’s a non-refundable deposit.

1st May 2014.

144th run, 11 miles at 6.0mph.

This is it. The last month of school. It’s still so weird and I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it.

Our group project presentation was yesterday and I think we did pretty well. I’m still not sure exactly what Hamlet is really about except some pretty serious young male angst, partly justified by some crazy murderous relatives. It’s definitely not making me want to go to Denmark, ever.

Zayn decided she wanted to help with painting the sets for the play, so now she’s super busy doing that. She’s in the auditorium before school and at lunch and after school until she goes to work, just painting stuff nonstop with a bunch of other art students. She’s always got paint in her hair and on her shoes and all over her fingers and she’s never by herself so guess who still doesn’t have a date to prom and now it’s two weeks away? I know I should just call her and ask but I don’t want to do that, I want to have an actual conversation about it but not in front of other people.

Now I’m more convinced than ever that she doesn’t want to go at all because if she did she would have said something already, I think.

I also somehow completely forgot that this journal is an assignment that I need to hand in. There’s no way I’m handing this in, there are way too many personal things in here. So on top of everything else, in the next few weeks I have to make a fake journal with entries all the way back to September.

3rd May 2014.

A totally weird thing happened at the end of school yesterday. I was at my locker getting my stuff and Hannah and Sarah walked up to me and at first they were talking about how our grades were posted for group projects but I knew that because I’d just walked past the English hall (we got an A).

Then Hannah asked me if I heard that Laura’s boyfriend broke up with her and I said no because I hadn’t (why would I have heard that?) and then Hannah wanted to know if I would go to prom with Laura “as friends” since I wasn’t going yet.

I asked her how she knew I wasn’t going to go and I guess Hannah is on the prom committee and they sell all the tickets and she looked it up that I hadn’t bought one or whatever. So I told her I was really sorry Laura’s boyfriend dumped her but I have a girlfriend and I’m planning to take her. (I specifically said “planning” so it wasn’t a lie.)

Then Hannah said, “Wait, who’s your girlfriend?” and “Why didn’t you say anything all those times we were talking about prom before?” and “Laura just wants to go, it’s not a big deal” and “If you were going you would have bought a ticket already” and then she said, “I just looked at Zayn’s Facebook and it doesn’t say she’s in a relationship.”

Hannah talks really fast and doesn’t really give anyone very much time to respond. I didn’t want to be rude to her so I just said, “sorry, I’ve gotta go.”

I went directly to the auditorium and when I walked in the stage was all lit up but the seats were all dark and people were sitting on the stage working on painting these huge canvases. Someone had some music playing, just some pop song I hear on the radio all the time. I spotted Zayn right away; she was near the front of the stage on the left side. I cut over in one of the rows and I made my way down to the front and when she looked up she seemed a little surprised I was there.

Her hair was all twisted up onto the top of her head and held in place with a couple of paintbrushes stuck through it and she looked at me all curiously and said, “hey, what’s up?”

I just blurted out really quick (and probably a little louder than I needed to, but I didn’t realize until it was too late) “How do you feel about going to prom with me?”

I’m pretty sure everyone else stopped painting and looked over at us. The girl who was sitting a few feet from Zayn even said “aww” really quietly.

Zayn actually blushed, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen her do before, but she smiled too, and cleared her throat and said, “Well, it took you long enough to ask, Marcel Styles.”

I said, “Is that a yes?” and Zayn was like, “obviously, duh” and then she came to the edge of the stage and hopped down and kissed me, and one person started clapping and then everyone else did too and even though it was only maybe ten people total, it felt like we were in a movie.

12th May 2014.

147th run, 9.5 miles at 6.5mph.

I applied for three different internships and so far only one has called me for an interview, and it’s the one I kind of didn’t really want. I went to the interview anyway (in my new suit, even) and I was super nervous, but the lady I spoke with was really nice. The company does a lot of marketing and research and they want an intern for three days a week to do some data stuff and update their Facebook or whatever. It seems pretty easy and I got less nervous as the interview went on so I hope they’ll pick me. It’s unpaid but it’ll be good experience, I think. They’re supposed to call me by the end of the week and if I get it I will start right after graduation. My mom thinks I’ll get it. I hope she’s right.

Saturday is prom and I ordered flowers and I’m picking up my tux on Friday and I got our tickets and everything. Zayn won’t tell me anything about her dress except that it’s black. She wants it to be a surprise. I told her my mom could drive us if that was okay, because I looked into getting some sort of limo but it’s a lot of money. Zayn shrugged and said we could take the bus, she doesn’t care at all. I laughed, thinking about us all dressed up on the bus.

My mom even said “is Zayn going to stay the night?” all hopeful and stuff so I guess that’s the plan.

I just hope it’s not too boring, the actual prom. I hope we have a fun time.

Zayn’s been talking a lot more in the past week about summer and her plans for next year. I think she’s finally in a place where she wants to figure those things out. She even said she’s been looking for a new job, something where she can be more creative, but there’s not a lot available, especially for someone who’s just finishing high school. I wish I could help but I have no idea how I could.

I’m glad she’s making a plan for herself but I still wonder what it will mean for us, and if she’ll still want to be with me when I have to go away to college. I know she loves me but I know being apart (even less than two hours) won’t be easy. I also know there are other reasons she might want to be unattached to someone or I guess just unattached to me. I don’t know what the right way is to feel about any of it and I can’t seem to pick a feeling and go with it.

18th May 2014.

Zayn and I went to prom and it was a really, really good weekend overall. Zayn’s parents even drove her over to take photos before we went, and her little brothers came along too. My mom made all of these fancy snacks for everyone even though they were only here about twenty minutes total and I was way too nervous to eat anything. It’s weird watching parents be all polite to each other and a little awkward. Everyone got along well though and it was good to meet more of Zayn’s family. I was super worried about meeting her dad but he was kind of quiet and seemed to be okay with me.

Zayn looked so amazing I couldn’t stop staring at her. The dress she wore was so pretty, it was black satin with some parts that were lace, and I guess she got it at the vintage store she goes to all the time, and it was an actual dress from the 1950s. It really looked like it was made for her though, and with the way she had her hair and her makeup, I seriously could not keep my eyes off her, like she was a celebrity or something. I’ve never met any celebrities but that’s what I’d imagine it would be like, just being so in awe of how amazing and incredible they look.

My mom drove us, and Zayn and I sat in the backseat and she held my hand, which isn’t new for us or anything, but for some reason it felt really big and important right then. Her nails were done all nicely with black nail polish but if you looked at them really closely, it was full of tiny sparkles. On the way there we took a few pictures of ourselves together and one of them is my absolute favorite of the entire night. I made it the background on my phone and I look at it all the time.

Prom itself was cool enough, I guess. We mostly sat and talked and then stole some of the helium balloons so we could talk in funny voices. Neither of us is super big on dancing, especially dancing in front of everyone, but we did sing along to the songs we knew and we had one slow dance together. I managed not to step on her feet and she didn’t step on mine, and then we laughed at ourselves for considering that an accomplishment.

Then there was the whole ceremony part with the king and queen and all of that, but we skipped out (neither of us even voted because it’s all kind of ridiculous) and we snuck behind the building so Zayn could smoke. It wasn’t that cold, but Zayn started to shiver a little so I let her wear my jacket. We didn’t really want to stay any longer after that, so I called my mom and she picked us up.

I know a lot of people had parties planned for afterward and made a big deal about of which one they were going to, but for me, going back to my house and putting on our pajamas and eating leftover fancy snacks while we watched Saturday Night Live made me happier than anything else we could have ended up doing.

When we went into my room later, Zayn sat down on the edge of my bed and she was sitting on her hands and curling her toes into the carpet and by the way she was looking at me I could tell something was up. I sat down beside her and kind of nudged her with my arm and she leaned against me a little. I asked her what she was thinking about, and she said, “Come on, Marcel Styles, you have to know already.”

The truth is, she was right. I knew, and I had thought about it. I think about it probably at least a dozen times a day. I think about it before I even realize I’m thinking about it, like it sneaks up on me when I’m distracted with other things. From what I understand, that’s pretty normal, though.

Then she said, “So I guess we should, maybe? It seems like we probably should.” Then she looked up at me. I wanted to kiss her so much, but I just brushed her hair away from her eyes instead, slow and careful with my fingertips so we could keep talking.

I said, “But do you want to? Really?”

Zayn nodded, but then her leg started shaking, her knee bouncing up and down and making the bed shake a little too. I studied her face for a minute and she looked away.

I put my arm around her and I told her it had never been and would never be about what we ‘should’ do, and that just because it was prom didn’t mean some weird timer was going off or anything. We kept talking about it and at first I think she got a little frustrated with me, and told me I couldn’t possibly know what she was thinking or feeling and therefore I couldn’t possibly decide what was the right thing to do, for her. I told her she was right, that I only know her thoughts and feelings if she chooses to share them with me, and that her decisions are always hers to make.

But I also told her, as decisions go, this was kind of a big one, and it was also about me, and about us, and that if either of us went into it out of some kind of obligation, then it wasn't the right time. She eventually admitted that she worried sometimes still, that I'd get fed up or bored with the whole issue and with her, and I reassured her I was definitely not bored, and not going anywhere either, at least not unless she wanted me to.

She said she would never want that, and I said good, me neither, and then I kissed her.

Then we went to bed and curled up together and kissed until we fell asleep. I woke up holding her, just feeling her breathe against me, our legs tangled together. Her body was pressed so close to mine that I didn't ever want to move. It was perfect and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

21st May 2014.

I got the internship!! I start one week after graduation. It's exciting but also makes me super nervous. Not about the work, because I think I'll be pretty good at that, but just having to go to an office and be professional and have a boss and everything. I hope I do okay with it.

The school play is this weekend and Zayn is super busy finishing up all the set pieces with all of the other art students. She asked for a bunch of nights off this week but her manager at the restaurant was kind of a dick about it I guess. I don't get it because the play is pretty much the only thing Zayn has done outside of school all year, plus she's always picking up extra shifts when they need her to, but I guess that guy is kind of a dick in general. Zayn says he’s always making stupid comments to her and to the other girls who work there. 

Between Zayn's extra work on the sets and the homework I'm trying to keep on top of, we've barely had a chance to hang out. Yesterday I didn't see her at all except for right after lunch, but we still text each other lots and always at night before we go to sleep.

I also completely forgot to make my fake journal for English class and I was supposed to turn it in today. So I took this one in and I waited until after class and I basically begged Ms. Hartford not to make me turn it in, and I showed her how much I’d been working on it (but I flipped through the pages really fast) and I told her I couldn’t let her have it because it was really personal. She got really quiet at first and I got so nervous because she’s one of those teachers who is usually really strict about assignments and deadlines. But then she just cleared her throat quietly and she said she’d give me full credit as long as I didn’t tell any of the other students that I didn’t actually hand it over. I was so relieved I wanted to hug her. But I just thanked her a lot and she said I should keep writing so that’s what I’m planning to do.

27th May 2014.

152nd run, 10 miles at 6.2mph.

There’s less than two weeks of school left and I’m going crazy. I’m so glad I have a week between graduation and when I start this internship because I’m going to need it.

I went with Zayn to the dress rehearsal of the play last Thursday and it was actually pretty cool. The sets looked awesome and she seemed so happy with how they turned out. After the performance, all of the artists who worked on the sets, along with the cast and the other people involved were invited to the student director’s house for a party. I could tell Zayn wanted to go, but people outside of the production (like me) weren’t invited, and she kept saying it was no big deal to skip it. But when we got to my car in the parking lot I told her I thought she should go to the party. She said, “Why? So you can be mad at me later for ditching you when I haven’t seen you all week?” and I then told her to stop trying to pick a fight with me and go celebrate all of her hard work because she deserved to. She got all thoughtful for a minute and then she said it pissed her off how right I am about everything all the time. But she said it with this certain look that she gives me sometimes when she’s saying something harsh and flippant to cover up her really deep feelings. I’m glad I can recognize that now, because I used to apologize and make it awkward, but now instead I just say something playful in return and she tells me to shut up and we both laugh about it.

Watching her go and leave for the party with the other art students still made me a little sad. I’m totally glad she went and she said she had a great time and everything, and I genuinely wanted her to go, because I know it’s important for both of us to have things that are just for ourselves. I just miss her when we can’t be together. 

Then on Sunday she was scheduled for a double shift but she called in sick and came over unannounced with a bag of donuts and a bunch of comic books and spent the day with me. I know everyone who has a girlfriend thinks they have the best one but they’re all completely wrong about it because there’s no way any of them are as great as Zayn.

31st May 2014.

There’s one more week of school and then graduation is a week from tomorrow. I have two exams left (one on Monday and one on Tuesday) and then I’m basically finished. My mom has invited all of these people to our house for my party, mostly relatives and friends and stuff. Gemma’s home for the summer now too. I’m kind of excited but I’m going to be so glad when it’s over.

Zayn kind of got fired from her job this week. At first she said she didn’t care, then she got really angry, and then she got really sad and worried and burst into tears at lunch yesterday. I told her she was a million times better than that job and she’d find something else and it would all work out.

She came over after her session and she just seemed really drained from everything, so I made her some dinner (re-heated some leftovers really) and then we curled up on the sofa because The Dark Knight Rises was on, and she ended up falling asleep. I hate having to wake her up but after the movie it was starting to get late and I wanted her to be more comfortable. I told her she could stay if she wanted but after she thought about it for a minute she said she needed to go home and get some things done. We made plans to hang out tomorrow though and I’m going to help her look for a new job.

4th June 2014.

There’s only two more days of school left. My teachers have basically given up on trying to do anything productive. Everyone is watching movies or having casual discussions or just letting people socialize.

They passed out yearbooks in homeroom today so everyone is busy trading them around and signing everyone else’s. I’m not actually too concerned with getting a bunch of signatures, but a couple people have asked for mine. I never know what to say so I usually just sign my name. Zayn took my yearbook home with her tonight though so I imagine she’s doing something elaborate with it. I don’t know what to write in hers that would adequately summarize how she’s been the best part of everything that’s ever happened to me. I’m just not very good with words like that.

We’ve been spending lots of time together now that she doesn’t have to go to work, and a lot of that time we spend kissing. It’s definitely different now than it used to be and we talk about what we’re doing as it happens and when I ask her if she’s okay with something she doesn’t just nod automatically, she looks at me and then we discuss it honestly. We’re trying some new things in small steps and so far I think it’s working out pretty well.

(Her skin has all of these beautiful dark freckles scattered here and there and I’m slowly discovering them one by one.)

8th June 2014.

I’ve officially graduated from high school and my party is over and I think I’m going to sleep until Tuesday and then wake up and eat all the leftover cake.

One cool thing that happened though is that my mom invited her friend who runs the art gallery downtown, and when I was talking to her she asked me if I would be interested in a part time summer job and I said I didn’t think so personally, but I knew someone who would be very interested and I brought Zayn over and they started talking. She’s going to stop by the gallery this week to talk more about the job and what she’d have to do but it all sounds very promising.

This time next week I’ll be trying to decide what to wear for the first day of my internship.

Zayn finally gave me back my yearbook. She took an entire blank page in the back, and drew a picture of us sitting together in the art supply room on that stupid blue beanbag. We’re reading comics and eating lunch and she’s got her diet cherry soda and I have my apple juice. She’s wearing the beanie I gave her for Christmas and her leather jacket and her boots, and I’m in my sweater vest and bowtie with my shirt sleeves rolled up, but she made my hair look way cooler than it actually ever does. We’re surrounded by all the shelves of paints and supplies and I have my arm around her and she’s looking up at me and grinning a little. She drew a banner at the bottom and it says in big block letters: “This is for real.”

Two things. One, she’s so right. Two, all she’s talked about lately is how much she wants to see Los Angeles someday, and I’m going to figure out a way to take her.

19th June 2014.

156th run, 12 miles at 6.0mph.

The past week and a half has gone by so fast, and so much has happened. I started my internship and Zayn started working for the art gallery downtown. She mostly helps with events and she’ll be assisting with some exhibitions and workshops they’re doing over the summer. She already loves it and my mom’s friend is giving her a lot of advice about art schools and stuff. Zayn says she’s given it a lot of thought and she wants to work for a year so she can apply to the schools she really wants to go to, which I think is very smart of her.

Last Friday she came over and had dinner with me and my mom and Gemma, before my mom went to work and Gemma went to go hang out at her best friend’s house. Once Zayn and I were alone in my room we had a kind of serious talk about what we wanted to happen in the fall, now that she knows she’s staying here and I’m going to be away at college. At first she started talking about how I’m going to be meeting so many new people and how they’re all going to be smart and fun and interesting and how she doesn’t want to hold me back from all of that. I told her very truthfully that I wanted to stay with her if she wanted to stay with me, and that was how I felt, and that I knew it would be hard but it would be worth it and I really believe we could make it work. Then because I kind of tend to ramble too much when I’m emotional, I might have told her that I really wanted to stay with her not just through the fall semester or the next year, but for even longer than that, longer than either of us could imagine or plan for. I’m not deluded or anything, I know we’re both really young and we still have a lot of time to figure our lives out but it is something I think about, the future that is, and every time I do, I always see us together. I want us together.

Then we talked a little bit about how it could work, just logistical things like trains and visiting on the weekends and making sure we still text goodnight every night before we go to sleep. That part of the conversation kind of got put on hold because we started kissing, and then we kept kissing, and when we had our shirts off Zayn said, “Hey, Marcel Styles?” and I said, “Hmm?” (because my mouth was busy making a trail of kisses along her collarbone) and she said, “I really want to have sex with you. Like, right now.”

I looked at her and she was biting back a grin and I said, “Yeah? Really?” and she said, “So much, yeah,” and I don’t think my heart has ever pounded as hard or as loudly as it did right then.

I told her I wanted to try something, and when she asked what, I leaned in and whispered it into her ear. She asked if I was sure I wanted to and I told her it’s all I’ve thought about for at least two months. But then I also told her that she could always tell me to stop if she didn’t want to or didn’t like it. She said, “Yeah, I know,” and then she kissed me, and then I kept kissing her as I helped her out of the rest of her clothes.

It was the first time I’d seen her completely naked and I wanted to kiss every part of her all at once, but I took my time and made myself focus on what I was doing. I’d done a little bit of research so there were things I was prepared for, like kissing her thighs as I parted them and how to lie down so I could use my hands at the same time as my mouth, and some ideas of how best to move my tongue against her. I was totally not prepared for how incredible it felt to do those things, and how the sound of my name in her voice while I did it would be the hottest thing I’d ever heard. I can’t say it all happened flawlessly or anything, there were definitely some stops and starts and minor adjustments as we figured it out, but afterward when her thighs were trembling against my shoulders and she struggled to catch her breath out of complete bliss, I held her and kissed her and everything, all of it, was more than worth it.

That was nearly a week ago and we’ve spent a lot of time naked together since then. Pretty much every chance we get, actually. We’re also planning our trip to LA before the end of the summer, and if we decide to do everything on the list of things we WANT to do, I think we might need to move there. 

Two things: One, keeping this journal has been great, but I don’t think I’m going to write anything in here anymore. I’m almost out of pages and this seems like a good place to close out. And two, I can say with absolute certainty now that I had no idea when I started this just how much everything could change in a year, and how very glad I would be that it did.

**Author's Note:**

> I owe a debt of gratitude to [katienyc](http://archiveofourown.org/users/katienyc) for her fantastic beta. Thank you also to [cantgetnoworse](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cantgetnoworse) and [idctbqh](http://archiveofourown.org/users/idctbqh/) for their unwavering encouragement on a near daily basis.
> 
> The title is taken from the Motion City Soundtrack song of the same name.
> 
> Some time ago I read a fantastic short story entitled “The Year I Learned Everything.” It is also about teenagers and relationships and surviving trauma and written in first person, and it inspired me greatly to explore how navigating the formation of a healthy physical and emotional relationship might look, from the point of view of a boy who is trying to do his best with some incredibly difficult circumstances. I recognize and respect that it’s vitally important for survivors to tell their own stories and to have their own voices heard, and if this had been a story from Zayn’s point of view it would have looked wildly different. What I wanted to play with here was this character of Marcel as I conjured him up in my head, and the limitations of his point of view, as well as his capabilities and strengths that should not be as exceptional and extraordinary as they currently are in the non-fiction world.


End file.
